It was a latent truth, that while I had always known was a part of me, I had nonetheless worked for years to hide from its power when I could and when that didn’t work the way I wanted, I started to distract myself away from it.
It was too much for me to fight and while I would win a battle or two, I expected that this truth would win the war and that was why I only ever allowed myself to look at the small things, to fight those things, to convince myself those symptoms of the real pandemic was enough.
Yet, like all truths there is only so much running and hiding you can do, before it is staring right back at you, demanding you acknowledge it for what it is and to start the healing process.
I had run for as long as I could, like a fugitive in my own body and mind and unsurprisingly, it was time to own up, to look this truth dead in the eye and finally deal with it properly.
And this truth was very simple, despite all my attempts at making it seem more complex, complicated and all consuming. In the end, it was simply this: I am unhappy.
This particular gut-punch clocked me unawares sometime around 9 pm Saturday night and made me sit up and take notice. I was unhappy.
I could have been making all the money I wanted, living in my dream house filled with all the creature comforts and it would not have been enough, it would not have truly meant anything to me, because in the end I would still feel like this.
I would still feel lonely, lost, uncertain and hollow.
Sure I would have played music, watched TV, read a book, meditated…. Truly done anything I could to hide the real problem away from my conscious brain and for a while it would have worked, but I would still have felt that coldness, that stirring up of emotions like sand swirling up in me as a wave disturbs the grains.
And I would have suppressed the living day lights out of that feeling, feeding myself half –truths of I am a success, I did a lot and I am happy. I have what I wanted so I’m happy. I just feel tired right now.
And any other day that would have been enough, but not that day, because that was the day that my brain went “enough!”
That was the day that I could no longer hoodwink myself and I had to accept my own truth.
I wasn’t surprised by this information and honestly I tried to rattle off all the reasons that I should be unhappy and there were a lot, but this was a time for full honesty and the unvarnished, raw truth was that none of those things were the reasons for this specific feeling.
Sure they fed the unhappiness, but they were not strong enough to be called the villain of the piece. What was the problem was me.
My unhappiness came from deep inside and was a direct manifestation of me not taking care of myself, emotionally, mentally or physically and then blaming it on other things like my environment, lack of sales, my purpose in life, etc.
I have always heard that happiness was a journey and not a destination; that it was an attitude and not just a fleeting emotion that I should fear and yet, here it was the thing that many scoffed at, the thing that many would sell their souls to feel, begging for me to welcome it into my heart.
Mainstream happiness is bullshit.
It is an emotion that we have tied to outcomes and things. “Happiness is the same price as Red Bottoms. You can buy Happiness. This chair and phone will make you happy“.
And the ads are painted with smiling, gleeful people, challenging you to feel as they do with these products. Manipulation at it’s finest.
This very serious need had become nothing more than a marketing gimmick that was losing its meaning, significance in the hype of sales plays.
Happiness somehow became fleeting, unattainable and a lie. Happiness became conditional and was no longer a reality, rather it was a commodity. I bought into it and turned myself inside out trying to understand why I couldn’t seem to get high on the happiness drug anymore.
Why buying things, doing hobbies, being with people no longer gave the high. Why it was so easy to take the feeling away from me. Why it was so easy to drop.
And there it was, my answer, staring me dead in the face, challenging me to be brave enough to meet its stare.
I had long ago traded in the idea of happiness and joy for greed, fear, envy and want. I had long ago told myself I would be happy when I a certain outcome -which I had no control over- came to fruition. I had made feeling good an exclusive thing, rather than my norm.
To feel good, something had to happen and if it didn’t then I was allowed to feel pain, hurt and all of it’s emotional cousins and so this went for years, decades… and so it would have continued if I had never become unscripted.
So while I acknowledge that I am unhappy right now in this moment, I also acknowledge that happiness is an attitude and it is one that I willfully, with all intention choose to nurture, to grow and to maintain. It is no longer a commodity, no longer a thing that can only be petted on occasion when something ‘good’ happens.
It’s all about mindset and today and every other day after this, I will choose to feed my Happiness attitude.
I will choose to take amazing care of myself, to reconnect and listen in with myself, to grow a stronger bond. I will no longer hinge my happiness on an outcome, rather I will purposefully do the things that drive the good, light and free feeling to me. I will allow this emotional necessity to thrive within me in healthy ways.
That may look like me helping others and also knowing where to enforce my boundaries. It will mean being more open, while knowing what parts of me are just for me. It will mean trying new things out, but not to the detriment of my very real warning system. It will mean pushing myself to greater strength, and knowing when to rest, relax and be content.
It will mean being grateful and creating an attitude of gratitude, while knowing that being grateful will also ignite the spark of ambition. I will love all aspects of myself and know that it will take time and daily effort to heal properly.
I choose to be intuitively happy.