I have been going through something last week and it has been making me feel like I want to crawl out of my skin, like there is a mass of dark energy within me, that is about to explode, like all I want to do is weep.
It’s a weird feeling for someone who wants to embrace and share joy in her life. It’s an extra weird feeling for someone who is expressing gratitude for all she has ( no matter how tiny or inconsequential it may seem) every morning and is trying to shift her mindset from the death grip of fear into one of positive growth.
I know it takes time people, but let me be very clear about this.
This feeling sucks balls.
Saturday morning I woke up in a f#$king mood.
My parents were talking and to me were way too energized for so early in the morning to be their querulous selves and I just could not deal.
The jokes were not funny to me and I just wanted quiet. I wanted for no one to be talking to me. For no one to be sharing, arguing or interacting with me.
I wanted to watch wrestling in peace.
It was not to be.
And even as I tried to quell the sudden yet ferocious surge of pure annoyance, it just settled in me like a geyser a hairsbreadth away from exploding and burning everything in its wake.
And because of this, I was mean to my little cousin and after seeing the hurt on her pretty face, I felt like such an asshole. It hurt me too, but the miasma that I was in, was stronger than both of us.
Mind you, it wasn’t that I did anything to her, it was rather, I could not make myself smile at her and once again the parents did not help matters. And yes I got called out for being a bitch, which I can admit now, hours later I totally was.
As the day progressed, my mood did not truly improve, there was something in me that was eating away at the very idea of joy and it was not the wonky weather.
I watched a movie and just allowed the day to pass, but soon my niece and nephew came over and their antics were more than enough to banish the lethargic fog that had been consuming me.
Everything about them fascinates me, how they are communicating better, the smiles, the determination, the twin-tuition and of course the dancing and the boisterous fake laughing.
In those moments I realized with astounding clarity that I was being a whiny brat yet again. I was not living life and enjoying it, I was not laughing just because I could, nor was I allowing myself to just speak my truth.
In fact, over the last few days, I had basically chosen doubt, frustration and fear as my companions and had been serving them a buffet of my dreams, hopes and aspirations.
Instead of just enjoying what I was doing, I sucked the glittery, rainbow fun out of all my ideas, sadistically holding them under the fog of my travel companions, because I was too busy convincing myself they were awful ideas.
Yet, here were these happy babies, rolling with the punches, finding entertainment and demanding love and affection, while expecting it easily. Here they were dimples flashing, hands clapping, showing me that not only were they highly intelligent, they were also fast and when necessary very crafty.
How can you stay grumpy in those moments?
So later when my little cousin re-appeared, looked at me and decided to give me some space initially, before seizing her opportunity to be close to me- loving me unconditionally, I apologized for that morning’s behaviour and asked for forgiveness which was immediately granted.
I took some painkillers for the headache I got from eating too late and was sitting at the table, head resting on my forearm on the table, when she came over to sit on top of me. She makes space people. I’ll never understand how she somehow does that when there is only a sliver before to fit her.
We sang folk songs, played a variety of games and I even let her play in my hair. The resulting hairstyle was wild, yet very chic and I laughed right along with her.
A part of that was my way of apologizing, but like 85% was because I was also having fun and I remember playing in the hair of another lady who would let me brush hers, while I filled her in on my latest thoughts.
So I decided to play it forward. What’s the harm in having fun with a 6 year old, who actually enjoys your existence?
There isn’t one.
So yeah, Saturday was a learning curve for me, it made me very, very, very aware of the excuses I was still hiding behind, the bullshit I was trying to pretend I enjoyed and my own fears.
It also made me realize what being happy is about . Spending the time with these children, all under the age of 7 reminded me what life and living is actually about.
It’s not about the money or lack thereof, it’s not about worrying if anyone will read your tales with you make that public or if you’re shouting into the void, it’s not about being perfect, it is however about accepting yourself, laughing because you can and CHOOSING to embrace joy and sharing it.