But Did You Die Tho?

“But did you die tho?”

As I sit here in my room on a warm, yet breezy Caribbean day in December, reflecting not only over this year 2019, but the last decade in general, those are the words that my brain whispers in a surprisingly non-patronising voice.

“ No, brain, No. I didn’t die, in fact I thrived.”

And it’s true, the last decade saw me navigating my twenties, saw me moving out of my parent’s house and starting my career as a journalist, which let’s be honest, opened the creative door for all that has followed.

It saw me moving in with my boyfriend in our first starter home, him proposing and us moving to a better condominium. It also saw us getting married, our families getting closer and closer to each other along with us growing so far apart, we may have to re-introduce ourselves to each other.

It has been a decade of everything.

You think it, I’ve probably been through it in the last decade.

From being terrifyingly sick, to switching jobs before I decided to strike out as an entrepreneur getting back into my passions and making huge life-changing decisions,  including moving back in with my parents.

My life was built and blown right up in the last decade and as I write this post here on the last legs of 2019, I am so freaking proud of the woman I chose to become.

One of my biggest fears in life was letting my life crumble around me, especially after all the hard work, blood, sweat, copious tears and sacrifices I had made just to painstakingly build this beautiful creation brick by heavy as F brick.

And then boom!

It all came crashing down around me and all I could do was let it. Not that I didn’t try to catch the debris and rebuild, not that I didn’t try my level hardest to patch the leaks and stymie the holes when I found them… but it was all in vain- my life as I knew it spectacularly blew right up.

When it blew up, it left me facing the ugly truth I had been trying for the last two decades to fruitlessly beautify.

I had come to the inevitable cross roads and there were no more loopholes, no side roads, not even a dirt track I could divert myself onto. No.

I had to decide in that moment who I was going to be.

And here’s the thing, it didn’t all happen one afternoon, in fact if I’m honest, this process had been leading up for years, it just FELT like it was crashing down on me in that one afternoon.

And do you know why?

It was because that was the afternoon that I had run out of tricks. It was the afternoon where I was cornered and forced to choose my path.

Path A or Path B.

Path A would see me adding more explosives and blowing everything sky-high. It would entail me accepting that my marriage was over, that I was moving out and that I was a proud, broke and struggling entrepreneur who was determined to make those intuitive dreams a reality.

Path B was damage control. It would mean for me to humble myself, stifle my clamouring needs and accept that while I was depressingly unhappy , I could continue to pretend everything was ok and just stay where I was. It would mean settling, but it would offer a sense of stability and familiarity even if it was painful.

Truth is, both paths were painful.

After much deliberation, I choose Path A, simply because that path allowed me to heal. It allowed me to be accountable for my life, to realize that only I had the power to design my life and it showed up just how much I had given up on actually designing a life of joy. I chose a path of enlightenment and peace.

And it SUCKED so badly!

This path was filled with resolutions and I did not enjoy them at all. It felt like how I imagine a werewolf transformation would be like and very often I wanted out of this burning body and mind.

My transformation came with lots of tears, screaming, despondency and failures.  I second guessed myself, opened the floodgates of my doubts daily until I learnt that I could corral them and have a conversation with them.

It was a Path to learning and while not every lesson was painful, they were all necessary.

Even on the days that I thought it’d be easier to just die,  a steadily growing larger part of me would remind me that death was the end of this game. I would be choosing to NEVER change anything and so I stayed.

As I learnt to reconnect with myself, I grew more comfortable in my skin, and started facing my insecurities and harsh truths head on. I started to take responsibility for my actions and critically dissected my people-pleasing ways. I forgave myself and those who were culpable in the various stories along with me, because at that time, I recognise that we did not know any better.

I started to see the world and understand it’s machinations differently; this lead to being able to draw and attract more like minded people than ever before and my energy increased positively.

Suddenly, I had no time for negativity, no time for desperate actions and no time for self-castigation. I was having fun again, had even dared to introduce it to my work ethic, I started to actually put my health and well-being first and I began to truly actively listen to what the Universe was showing me daily.

I’m still a student of life and I’m open to learning more daily and trying new things because I can.

I’m no longer hung up on success or failure, because either way I’m winning.

And so as I sit here, the day after one of my BFF’s got married to a lovely lady, I reflect on this year and realize that I harvested many things.

I was invited to and gave my first coaching session to lovely young ladies looking for direction. I published at least 8 books that I’d written. I interacted with more entrepreneurs than ever before; I stood up for myself finally. I started working out not because I want to look a certain way, but because I wanted to be stronger and healthier and I reconnected to friends and family.

I became much more open about sharing my life, because I see those situations much differently now and I’m proud of my accomplishments. I’m proud that each day I wake up happy.

I’m proud that I know that every time I open my eyes there is an opportunity for my life to get so much better always.

I harvested gratitude this year, acceptance of myself and while this journey was tough, rough and insane, I also realise that I loved it all. I love who in all of those moments I chose to be, because that is fueling the me of today and tomorrow.

So as I say goodbye to 2019 and thank it for it’s lessons and as I say farewell to the last decade and be in awe of the girl who undertook those chapters, I look forward to the beginning of a whole new decade filled with the lessons learnt, real self love and the opening act of a new decade script.

Season’s Greetings and Happy New Year loves!


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2 thoughts on “But Did You Die Tho?

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