If you’re single, looking for your soul mate and ready to just be in the right, caring and loving relationship already, but somehow keep attracting toads or worse, people who are just shy of what you’re looking for, I’ve got some truth for you.
The unvarnished truth is that you are just too picky in relationships!
Or at least, that’s what too many friends, relatives and articles will tell you when you finally give in and try to find the antidote to your chronic single-itis, but is that true?
Are you in fact being too picky about who you decide to give your heart to, are you being too quick to dismiss the person who is so close to your internal heart checklist, but just not fully up to scratch?
Should you simply settle for what is working right now and overlook some of the quirks that are slowly driving you insane, because of the ‘no one is perfect’ dating culture?
The real question you’re asking: Is it actually a bad thing to be too selective or ‘picky’ in relationships?
This was one of the questions, I grappled with when I re-entered the dating scene and met many people who were amazing, but did not fully meet my requirements.
On paper they glowed as they seemed thoughtful, employed, good-looking, capable of giving me at least one orgasm (or so they claimed), good sense of humour and witty.
All the good stuff, but then, as time went on, something about them, in crucial emotional moments would fall flatter than a pancake on a tiled floor.
When I told some of my friends about it, the consensus was divided, some saying I was insane, others thinking I should hold out for the person I could love unconditionally, yet the one thing they all agreed on was that I was very ‘picky’.
Now, call it choosy, selective or picky, what have you, it all boils down to the same in many minds.
You’re not satisfied with what is placed in front of you, and you’re difficult to please.
Those words, ‘picky, choosy, selective’ all carry with it negative connotations, designed to make you ashamed for wanting what you desire and to trick you into settling, ‘ like a good girl’ for what is on offer.
We ain’t playing by those rules anymore people!
My humble opinion is that if you are to live your life with your person, then there is no way you’ll meet that person and build a life together, unless you are in fact very selective and dare I say ‘picky’ about who you allow into your heart and into your life.
Despite the many online and magazine articles explaining why you being ‘picky in relationships’ is the reason you are still woefully single or simply have yet to meet ‘the One’, it is quickly becoming evident to those who are ready to build a life with their partner, that finding the person who compliments you and will mutually put in the effort to grow with you, is not a game of ‘pick a mate’, but comes with real thought and experimentation.
If you’re not looking at dating as a game of sex, fleeting commitment and stressful heartache, rather than taking the time to really look into the people that are coming into your life and taking up space, then nothing and no one will ever be right for you.
So are you?
Are you looking for a mate or are you looking for a fun friend?
Are you willing to settle for what is there or are you ready to be more selective about who you let into the prized treasure that is your heart?
Let’s first tackle the negativity around the idea of being too ‘picky’.
The idea that women are hampering their dating life by being too ‘picky’ has long been the hottest topic in the relationship industry.
Worse, it implies that women in fact do not know what they want from their partners and are simply being hella difficult, when they should just be happy that someone seems to care about them enough right now.
Let’s be honest and unfiltered here when it comes to pickiness.
We all know a picky eater and know the hassle and frustrations that go into pleasing them, from the anxiety of finding a restaurant to their standards, to simply deciding they are not easy going enough to invite out anymore… so naturally with that context, when it comes to relationships, being ‘too picky’ is a sign of a person who does not know what they want, is snobbish, won’t give chances and is easily soured.
I however, propose that picky people do in fact know exactly what they want and are not at all in the frame of mind to settle for anything less. To me, that is a trait to be commended.
Why should you settle for iceberg lettuce when you know you want the greenest kale?
Why should you settle for lackluster love when you know you require full commitment?
Why are you being pushed to settle for what you know is not right for you?
Makes no sense right?
The idea that you should settle for what is there ,when you know in your soul it’s not right is a terrifying prospect, especially when it comes to relationships, and the things that go into making them long lasting and nurturing, including the much needed ability to trust and think for yourself.
Dr Seth Meyer, posits that there is such a thing as ‘healthy picky’ explaining, “ You’re careful about who you get involved with, taking things slowly in the beginning, not moving into the bedroom too quickly, and remaining on guard for a couple months or so until you have a sense of who this new person really is,” ..
“In between relationships, you take some time off and reflect on why the last relationship didn’t work, and after a while you resolve those issues and begin a fresh relationship with someone new,” Meyer writes.
There, that doesn’t sound at all awful, and significantly highlights the importance of self-awareness.
If you’ve spent any time in the dating game, then you know the real pain of having your heart broken, being taken advantage of and taken for granted, so why on Earth would you want to deep-dive in that trap again?
The secret no one is talking about when it comes to dating and relationships on a whole is that it all starts with you and your self-esteem.
Your dating culture is all about what you believe you desire, deserve and can actually attain.
This means if you have negative beliefs about yourself, your dating types, dating or relationships, chances are that you will continue to be fearful of never finding real love, which will cause you to self sabotage, resulting in ill-fitting relationships that do not satiate your unique requirements for love
“You are the captain of your dating ship. You are the one who makes all of your dating decisions. You are the one who responds to what a man does or doesn’t do. Your responses will determine what type of man you have relationships with. But how well you control your dating ship depends on the health of your dating blueprint in your subconscious mind,” so says Life Coach, Emma Staddon.
Staddon, who is also a psychology teacher for over 16 years, explains on her blog ‘The Happiness Mermaid’ that these negative beliefs surrounding your love life need to be resolved before you can actually find your true right partner.
“This is why to be a successful dater it is important to do the inner work and look at how you date and work out what beliefs you have in your dating blueprint that are driving your behaviour. If you identify any that are stopping you from getting a healthy and happy relationship with a good man, focus on finding a way to change them (there are various techniques), so that you date differently and find love with the right man,” she writes.
While it may seem easy to look at yourself in the mirror and say, ‘I’m totally fine and I know exactly what I’m looking for,’ then why are you still desperately trying to find romance in people that don’t feel right to you?
For many of us, our issues with believing we can have the kind of love we are seeking, dates back to experiences that have long lasting effects on us all now and it is not a as quick a fix as a plumber tightening a screw on our sink.
Rather, these beliefs will take time to first face, acknowledge and then work towards resolving.
So does that mean that you abstain from dating in the meantime?
Only if you choose to, but it’s not necessary, so long as you understand what you’re actually looking for in yourself, the date and understand that you are not in fact on a rapidly depleting life timer.
For those of us who are going through the inner healing work- which may feel a lot like walking a path of over hot coals, you may notice that you’ve become much more selective in who you allow into your life, because you understand yourself better, have actual boundaries that you are no longer worrying about enforcing and know the kind of person who will compliment the life you’re building.
You know the importance of being discerning (read choosy AF) and that in the long run it’s what’s best for you life, heart, happiness and health. So be as picky in relationships as you want and be happy that you know your own mind and heart.
You made it to the end! Wooot!