My Law of Harmony

Law of Attraction, Law of Vacuums and the Backwards Law…

These are just three of the ‘life laws’ that I’ve come across in the last two years on my journey to understanding how to attract abundance and as I came across each Law, I understood the merit behind it’s ethos, however, the last one I came across stuck in my craw and nothing I did would root it out.

The Backwards Law, so coined by Alan Watts in his 1951 book The Wisdom of Insecurity, talks about how the more you try for one outcome, you’ll get the opposite. 

The example he gives in the book is about the dichotomy of trying to float and sinking, and then trying to actively sink, but the water pushes you back up and makes you float.

“When you try to stay on the surface of the water, you sink; but when you try to sink, you float. When you hold your breath, you lose it”.

And while these things are true, and bring to mind such physics theories as Archimedes’ Principle and Newton’s Three Laws of Motion,  the more I thought about these laws and tried to reconcile their similar, yet largely differing teachings, it occurred to me that the only way they all work, is through Harmony.

So it’s true that the more you put good vibes into the world, the more good you’ll get back ( Law of Attraction) and it’s true that the more you overthink on something, the more of the opposite you’ll get ( backwards law) and it’s also true that when you make space, that space will also be filled by something else ( Vacuum’s Law).

So how do all of these truths make it into your world?

How do they bring you the abundance and high vibe energy that all the energy workers promise you can have when you ascribe to the Laws?


CONTINUE READING

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what awaits you:

You’ll discover how all of these laws actually work together and how you can get them to make sense in your own life.

Ashlee gives insights and methods to bring more success into your life.

Ashlee reveals what her law of Harmony actually is and how you can try it today.


How I learnt to Let Life be Easy

Can I really have what I want in this life and can it be easy?

This was the question I struggled with for years upon years and most often than not, the answer I came up with was a resounding ‘no’.

I was taught hardwork, struggling and paying dues were all the benchmarks I had to go though repeatedly, before I could see any hint of success.

I was taught to wait for the inevitable shoe to drop, if anything good ever happened to me and without truly noticing it, this was the way I started to live my entire life.

I started to mistrust people who were kind, friendly and seemed generally good natured, because it reminded me of how I used to be and made me upset that I was no longer that person, but I couldn’t be that person, because all the lessons I’ve learnt ( and learnt well) yelled at me that I had to be guarded, I had to people please, I had to hide  who I was and look to other successful people to show me what my life should look like, what my thoughts should be and what I was allowed to achieve.

Now here’s the thing, you simply cannot have this mindset when you’re looking to do great things. I’m a naturally empathetic person and something ALWAYS felt wrong about this lifestyle, but damn if I could put my finger on what exactly it was.

So years go by and my intuition,- that whispering guardian angel that lives within me- that I would occasionally listen to every now and again, started pestering me and pestering me. It was sick of seeing me settle, sick of seeing me lose confidence and looking for a semblance of affection in the wrong people.

It was tired of me adding unnecessary burdens to my heart, tired of feeling my pain over and over again, tired of me basing my dwindling happiness on beliefs that were designed to drain it.

 So it finally rose up and got my attention.

And one day, after the weeks following a tremendous health scare that I was being treated for, my defenses were down. I was for the first time in a long time, also fed up of the pain, the betrayals and feeling as if I had let myself down.

That’s when I felt the intuitive nudge; taking it as a sign from God that I simply could no longer ignore, I allowed the message to flow into me. It told me there was no need for struggle, no need to burn myself out, no need to make everything complicated.

It explained no one was impressed by any of this.

And I wanted to believe in it so bad, but old habits die really freaking hard and I felt my mind erupt into a civil war. One side preaching that life was always supposed to be joyous and beautiful, the other saying that if it isn’t hard and complicated how will I learn to appreciate it?

Turns out I was not ready for my life to be easy, I wasn’t ready to release my teachings no matter how wrong they felt. I wasn’t ready for my life to be so aligned I could have everything and anything I wanted.

I was fighting tooth and nail for my limitations.

Mind you, I tested the theory a few times and it worked beautifully each time, but it was not enough for me to rehab the 3 decades strong fear addiction. And when that truly hit me- that not only was I choosing to feel crappy and complicate my life, but I was doing so because i was so driven by fear and the need to struggle, I made a real decision to get to the bottom of this need and reprogram my mind.

It was time for me to allow my life to flow. I had seen the evidence for myself. I bought my car cash, I rented  a condo for super cheap and it was in a great natural area, I was in fact never actually short on money, I always got what I wanted even if I didn’t buy it and the coup de grace, I was loved unconditionally by awesome humans!

So when it really sunk in that my life wanted to be easy, that it wanted to be successful and there was no need to stress and struggle, only to listen, align and do.

I finally started to allow things to flow. I finally moved things out of my way and reconnected with my inner being and that rare feeling of harmony and trust.

Life became so easy , I almost started to doubt its longevity again, because the last thing to leave me was the idea that good things could run out and I’d be left holding the proverbial bag. Funny how I never thought bad things could come to an end…

So I went to mindset rehab and I came out so much better for it. It’s a daily effort to reprogram my mind ( 30 years of habits do not change in a week) and each day I get stronger, more confident, more aligned and life is something I want to actively engage in again.

One of the resources I used when I was going through this period was the Level UP Journal Prompter. This book is filled with journal prompts, exercises and insights that I personally used to challenge myself into changing old teachings for new intuitive ones.

It’s easy to say I want better for myself, but as I learnt, it’s not so easy to walk the walk and release the bad habits to receive abundance. Hope and Faith are hard because of those same teachings, but it’s not impossible.

I know you’re ready to do more, to drop the effing struggle and let life actually flow in harmony as it needs to be. I know you’re over feeling as if you have to climb that oil slicked ladder, getting nowhere fast.

Use the book, go through the 9 chapters and allow yourself to expand, to grow and step into the awesome power that is your birthright. Add to your reading list now.


READY TO ELEVATE?

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Is Prejudice a Lethal form of Bullying?


While I am not African American, I am a black Caribbean woman living in this wold and it would be naive of me to think that prejudices just because they are exploding out of one country, cannot affect all of the world. The Covid-19 pandemic should have shone light on that fact that anything that affects and impacts one of us, affects us all.

Another thing that pandemic showed us was that unlike us, viruses do not discriminate among ethnicity. If it attacks the human system, then we are ALL vulnerable. End. So in this light, I have to say I am so exhausted of the ongoing feuds we are still enabling around the world.

I am beyond exhausted that we even HAVE to have a hashtag #BlackLlivesMatter just so a stand for justice, equity and understanding that it is beyond NOT ok and will not stand to so openly behave in this way, to openly take such aggressive actions against a person because of the colour of their skin, because of perpetuated economic stereotyes and because we as a society have not let go of the ‘black people are dangerous mentality’.

We are all dangerous, and there is no ethnicity that has not done something violent against their own and others, so we need justice now. And to really change this centuries old conditioning, we have to see that when prejudices are boiled down, it is a lethal form of bullying.

Bullying in any form is not acceptable and we all know it is a condition that can be resolved, can be healed, the question here is: Do we want to heal and become the generation that took real, committed strides towards healing prejudices and seeing each other as human beings end,

OR

Are we the generation that keeps the pain and suffering going, by inciting more blame, more finger pointing and not getting justice in the way we all agreed was the process for it?

Let’s be the generation that teaches our differences are wonderful, that we all make mistakes and are flawed but that is not what defines us as a people. Let’s be the generation that teaches love is a human state of being that should not be scoffed at, but spread throughout each and every culture.

What will you choose?


How I’ve Learnt To Reconnect to Source

Two months ago, I made an active decision to become more spiritually woke. I wanted to move my emotional state from feeling super stressed out about money, Covid- freaking-19, bills, followers, you know , the usually plagues of a solo entrepreneur, who is also dealing with personal stressors.

Without truly acknowledging it, the backlash following the abrupt death of my Dad, shook me and catapulted me right back to unhealthy ways, unhealthy thoughts and I allowed myself to feed my fear so much, it almost exploded from my body.

Then after a few conversations with my friends, and a lot of guided meditations, because let’s be honest, I was OVER feeling the tension in my body, the desperation running amok in my thoughts which only gave me headaches, caused me to grit my jaw so hard, I felt my teeth grinding, and muscle aches in my shoulders because of how freaking tense I was keeping them.

It was also my birthday month (April) and really is there a better time to actively choose to take spectacular care of yourself in not on/ around your birthday?

So that’s what I did.

I’m a huge believer and advocate from mindset work and healing, because as we already know, it all starts with your thoughts and from that it leads to actions that build your lifestyle.

So I had a choice to make.

Give into the pressures of stress, desperation and insidious fear, where I started to lose confidence in just about everything that made me the unique and loving person that I am.

Or

Reconnect to myself. Become an active participant in my life again and CHOOSE what I focus on, how I allow myself to feel, what I am available for and concentrate on the surplus of good that was in my life, if I would only acknowledge them.

So I started on the latter.

Was it easy?

Absolutely not. I learnt how deep rooted my fear based state ran and I started to notice just how often I was actively looking for things to make me feel awful, to feel sad, as excuses to justify giving up on actions, my desires, the works.

Reasons to stay in a state of not quite happiness but not quite bouncing off the walls either.

Then I remembered this book: The Level Up Journal Prompter.

It’s the book I created to help me out of this kind of funk.

Within it I go through 9 Chapters which challenge you to move from stuck and playing small to being your Next Level Self.

The self that allows you to take the next step in your life confidently, that allows you to get clear on your goals, get clear on shifting your limiting beliefs and the lifestyle you are calling towards yourself.

From learning how to reconnect with myself and challenging myself to answer the journal prompts openly and honestly- no running from myself- to actually doing the homework and slowly becoming more and more aware of my progress, of my many victories, of how strong I am and will continue to be, I felt super inspired and motivated.

This book, which is loaded with insights I am straight up impressed came out of me, was  perfect to move me again, to gain clarity in my mind and remind myself of how powerful I actually am, of how healthy I want to be both mentally and physically.

I reminded myself that I was allowed to feel my feelings, and to respond to them, it reminded me I was allowed to choose my state of existence and to be unconditionally supported and loved.

It reminded me that I was enough right now and that me growing, stretching and nurturing my love of who I am, were all natural and encouraged.

So this month, I’m re-launching it, because I know these last few weeks in lock down have straight up sucked for some of you. Not necessarily because you couldn’t go outside, but because it caused you to feel unsettled, to face your own thoughts and doubt monster alone and un-equipped.

It forced you into a feeling of melancholy, of panick and of living in the energy of already having failed. Caused to you remember all the stories around why you won’t have a wonderful life or success…It fed your fear based state too.

No more.

You are ready to go a guided journey towards your own power.

Towards realizing what it is, towards getting control over your thoughts, emotions and crystal clear goals.

You’re ready to level the F up!


READY TO ELEVATE?

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How I’m Learning to Love Unconditionally

It never occurred to me that I could be loved unconditionally. The concept itself made very little sense to me, as I simply could not fathom, how it was possible to love someone for doing nothing more than existing.

I subscribed for years, to what I now call ‘conditional affection’,  where the relationship grew based on whether the person was willing to appease you and what they brought into your world to make your own well-being much easier.

You see it often in movies and in love letters, where the person professes his/her love and it’s a laundry list of the ways the other makes their life easier, but rarely states the qualities and traits of the first person; like are they kind, intelligent?

It’s always a very egotisical spiel that made me realize that the relationship would be based on whether the person could keep up or improve upon that laundry list.

The thing is, attraction starts with realizing how someone makes you feel, it gets fuelled by the things you have in common and then by you seeing and approving of behaviours.

The problem comes, because that’s where most of us choose to stop our hearts.

We stop at the things the person does for us, or the things you do for them.

There is another step, where you start to love the person simply because you realize and acknowledge them on an encompassing human level. 


CONTINUE READING

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What awaits you:

Ashlee further breaks down what she terms ‘ conditional affection’ and why while it’s normal, isn’t doing us any favours.

She gets candid about love, and the different types we subscribe to.

She talks openly about her journey to learning to love ‘unconditionally and how it’s changed her whole life.

She takes us through her process of this mindset and lifestyle shift.

She talks about religion, spirituality and the reality of love.


Up next. shop the Unscripted Collective Vol 1 now.


The Low Down On Working from Home

One of the many appeals for working from home for me was,  of course not having to get up super early and get ready for work and the belief that I would be able to choose my own hours.

In the beginning of this journey, I was lured in by the siren call of not having to wake up at a specific time, not having to do the ‘ work day grooming’ routine, including wrangling the mane I call my hair, not having to don another suit and pack my work bag and figure out lunch, etc. Rather, I could stay in my comfy clothes all day, make lunch when I was ready, work out more and then set time in the day to grab my laptop and work!

Everything I needed was here at home with me and it was awesome!

Sounds like heaven yes?

And it was for a while, until things inevitably went completely out of control!


CONTINUE READING

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what awaits you:

Ashlee takes you throuh the unvarnished truth about her experience of working for home, after 5 years experience.

Ashlee spills on the little things no one ever tells you about working from home, how they can help and also derail productivity.

The 5 Boundaries you need to enforce right now to stay sane

The little habits that will make this transition so much smoother and actually productive

The major things to actually watch out for during this process and why you need to kick the habits

The mindset shifts that saved her sanity.


Next up, shop Releasing Fear, Embracing Life and The Level Up Journal Prompter Workbook


When Life Doesn’t Go as Planned

Life it seems is a master of going off the rails the moment you let your guard down, or at least, that is how it feels sometimes, when things just don’t work out even remotely in the vicinity of possibility you had prescribed for it.

I grew up in Barbados, hearing the saying ‘Man plans and God laughs’ and if I’ve learnt anything at all over the last three years, it’s the veracity of that saying, along with the bitter realization that I am not in control of even 10% of the things I tried so hard to hold dominion over.

Was it a terribly bitter pill to swallow?

Yes, yes it was.

And I fought against swallowing it, much like a toddler does, head shaking, feeble hands coming up to ward off the oncoming pill to tightly buckled in lips.

And fight as I might, run and hide as I tired, it did nothing to belie the truths that were battering with typhoon like strength at door of my mind and life.

In the end, I found relief not in the belief that I could control people or things or even my cats, but in letting some of the pillars in my life crumble and shatter onto the ground. I found relief in being honest with myself, my wants, true desires and letting go of the ‘old me’.

A caterpillar will never become a butterfly if it does not allow itself the pain of change, if it does not allow that life as a flightless worm to recede and embrace the transformation of wings and new diet, complete with a whole new perspective on life.

And so, that’s what I had to do. Relinquish my death grip on my caterpillar self and trust in God, in the cosmic energy that he placed here that I was going to be ok, that these set-backs delays and the things that threatened to turn me greener than the wicked witch of the West was all steps in my journey to my ultimate truth.

And my truth, was that no matter what happened, so long as I believed my intuition, and kept going, growing, learning and letting things go, could I turn into the beautiful blue butterfly, I was always destined for and live that very new yet totally intrinsic life.


CONTINUE READING

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What To Know In Times Of Grief

The true test of raising your positive energy and trying to attract more miracles into your life comes in the midst of the toughest, roughest and most uncertain times of your life.

It is very easy, I recognise now to say you will ‘ try’ something when you feel safe with time, when you have someone who is helping your financially, and when your present allows you some form of security, so you have the luxury of ‘ trying something’.

However, as I found out very recently, the moment something happens to upset that delicate balance, when something snatches away your security blanket, and opens your eyes to an all new extent of challenges, problems and negative emotions, it is also really freaking easy to abandon your lessons of inner peace, inner healing and give yourself over to despair, to obsessing about the plethora of deadline sensitive challenges and remove yourself from any spark of enjoyment.

My moment came in the early morning around 2 am in the Queen Elizabeth Hospital as a doctor informed me, my brother and my Mom that my Dad, who seemed fine just a few hours ago was now gone.

In those moments, I felt nothing, but my body was reacting all on its own. I wanted to laugh at the sheer insanity of what she was saying and cry when it hit me that this was real. Just like that, my security blanket was ripped away and there laid stark in front of me was a black hole.

The black hole of responsibility and impotence, because my Dad was the main breadwinner of the family ( pun intended as he was a baker) and now he was gone. In my head, all I saw was how useless I am. How much I had been relying on him and that triggered guilt, fear, anger and loads of grief and devastation.

And for this whole week I’ve been playing games with my feelings, ignoring them, basically freezing them out because I told myself I no longer have time. I felt atrociously stupid for thinking I could attract abundance and flung myself as I always do when these kinds of things happen into crisis mode.

I resigned myself by the 4th day to have to suck it up and give up on any dreams I had, because life was not about happiness, but survival and this was all I was going to have.

Grief is a funny thing and it makes you see things in very new ways, not all great. Yet, something in me, this voice that had been cultivating since the beginning of this year, this voice that suggested the challenge of raising my positive energy and told me to surrender, wouldn’t let me give into my own pity-party.

It wouldn’t allow me to reconstruct the dark cape my new challenges and problems were trying to cover me back in. It wouldn’t let me go back into the black hole from which I have been trying to will myself out of years.

And I’ll be honest with you, it is very easy to feel despondent when you’re flat out broke, when it feels as if nothing you do works and that you maybe too idealistic to play the games of reality. It is not easy to change old paradigms, especially when they seem to be all you have to protect your survival when things go horribly wrong.

And I was deep into doubting myself, deep into layering on piles and piles of self castigation, self pity and antipathy.

And then one day, I went back to my blog and listened to some of my Riffing with Ashlee episodes that I had created in those moments of glorious insight and realised that the woman who said those things, who was working so hard on her mindset and had the goal of living a life filled with happiness should not be abandoned.

Why should I honour my Dad’s life by killing all the life within me?

He sacrificed daily for me to be able to bring this dream of my ideal lifestyle to fruition. He listened to me, had faith in me and how ungrateful would I be to give it all up just because a new obstacle appeared?

A voice in my mind…- my intuition maybe-, is telling me to be grateful and appreciative of the times, experiences and moments we had together. It’s telling me to remember to have fun with what I’m doing and trust that God and Universe ALWAYS have my back.

It’s telling me to be faithful and to surrender to the problems, to the anxiety, instead of obsessing over what it all means. To catalogue all the things that are telling me that everything is going to be ok.

This means putting in effort to be mindful of your feelings and to realise that it’s beyond ok to let fun in. That it is ok to allow fun and positivity into your life no matter how dark a time you are going through.

To prioritise yourself health, physical, emotional, mental, spiritual and social over everything else and to not let others dictate how you should feel, what you should do or to give up on what is important to you.

It’s a tough lesson, I won’t lie, but it really is one of the biggest tests I’ve gone through in my life!

It’s going to feel like it’s you against everything and it will even feel as if you’re expendable, worthless and wasting time, but the truth is…you’re not any of those things.

You are brave, strong, wise and beautiful for realising that adding to the world’s miasma is the wrong path. You’re courageous for listening and tuning into yourself and you are absolutely gorgeous for realising that God/ the Universe has brought you so far, not to abandon you, but to prepare you for the next step.

For me, it’s a test of faith, commitment and to see if I really am practicing what I preach, what I say I believe and yeah, this was terrifying, but not impossible. It’s heart wrenching, but not enough for me to give up on myself.

So I choose to take away from this experience that it was my Dad’s time, it was gratefully quick, and he was not alone and be grateful that my Mom and I are still able to eat, sleep and worry about things. We are in a tough spot, yes, but it won’t be forever and there are so many things we can both choose to branch out in now.

My Dad is gone.

I’m praying he is at peace and reconciled with the way his life was. Just as you don’t know when you’re about to enter this world, you also don’t know when you’re about to leave it. And you have to remember daily that this time, this journey, these experiences are all gifts, to be enjoyed to add more love to the world.


CONTINUE READING

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Embracing the Wild 2020’s

Happy New Year! Happy New Decade!

As I sit atop of a hill, with the chilly breeze flowing all around, me lightly kissing my warm skin, I can’t help but to let my mind wander.

Beneath me is a picturesque view of Barbados. A sea of nature, interspersed with the dots of homes, businesses and moving vehicles on grey roads. Below me the island paradise is alive with productivity.

Leaning back from the bright rays of the sun, because I forgot my hat (read: totally didn’t even think of bringing it), I listen to the calls of the black birds, and watch as the sparrows return to their nests in the palm tree behind me.

It’s all quiet, peaceful.

To my right, there are cows munching on grass in the field next to me, not a care in the world except what they are eating and for some reason that sight, coupled with everything else, makes me feel so very nostalgic.

It’s wild to me that this is not only a whole new year, but also the beginning of a whole new decade and I am actually excited for my future this time around.

As I sit here, a week into this new year with the grass beginning to itch my bare legs in these stretchy, denim shorts, I allow myself to reflect on how much I’ve grown in the last ten years.

2010 was a HUGE year for me and if I’m honest it was one of the most pivotal years of my life.

I graduated from University with honours, after getting an A on my Thesis, earning my BA in psychology. I resigned from my part time job as a shoe saleslady and took my first real step into following my passions, when I applied and got accepted to work as a journalist in the Hello Youth Magazine.

That alone was a culture shock for me, getting to write was one thing, but meeting new people daily, and being placed in situations which meant I had to bolster my confidence and meet challenges head on, was nothing short of necessary.

I bought my first car, and started to find my voice, not only in what I was writing for work, but also for what I am interested in and what life boundaries I needed to enforce.

 I met more amazing friends and started my journey into womanhood officially.

The decade that followed only saw me learning more about myself, making life changing decisions and growing more into accepting what I really wanted from this life of mine. It took me like shells trapped in an unrelenting wave towards the shores of inner healing and self- acceptance.

So as I sit here, in 2020, I can tell you that I am a lady emboldened.

Just last year, while I woke up cautiously hopeful for the New Year, I was still going through the rough transition of mindset shifting and it honestly took just as much of a toll on me as it did in releasing me from my inner demons.

 I was still struggling to find my footing and soothe away all of my aches, thinking I could resolve my problems and challenges if I just kept focusing on them, if I could just find a win and prove that all my sacrifices, painful lessons and hopeful dreams were not all for nothing.

Turns out, that’s not how that works.

 When you focus on problems, you don’t fix them, instead you allow them to multiply and stage a coup to take over your very soul.

This year, I’m the same me, just wiser, stronger, calmer and somehow even more optimistic.

And why is that you may ask?

It’s simply because as I reflect over my MANY struggles over the last decade and beyond, the results have been pretty consistent.

I’m still here and I stay.

No matter what, no matter how many times I felt roasted over fire, no matter how many times I wanted to tear my skin off as tribute to my perceived failures, no matter how many times I said ‘yes’ when in truth, my heart was screaming ‘no’ but I forced myself all the same, I’ve learnt from all of that and allowed myself to reveal my own heart to me.

2020 ( like the vision)  is the start of a new chapter in my life. The first year in a new decade almost always means spectacular awesomeness for me. My energy is high, my will is strong and most importantly, I’m aware that time is actually on my side.

No masterpiece can be created in a rush or on an arbitrary deadline and that’s what I was trying to do with myself.

Rush my healing, enter into a race of life, I had no business being in, digesting other people’s challenges because I felt maybe that was the right guideline for me.

Today, I am grateful and so appreciative that I have the time and that I’ve created the lifestyle where I can sit in a field, soaking up the sun and let my words flow out to you. I can let you into my thoughts and offer my own advice to you easily.

So this year, the beginning of the roaring 2020’s, I realize that come what may, I am 100% that bitch. I’m the one who understands that everything in me is intuition first and I am more aware of what is best serving me. I choose to concentrate on that.

I choose to allow myself the pain of growing, to allow myself the grins of joys and to simply know that I am enough, all I have is enough and it is all beautiful.


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But Did You Die Tho?

“But did you die tho?”

As I sit here in my room on a warm, yet breezy Caribbean day in December, reflecting not only over this year 2019, but the last decade in general, those are the words that my brain whispers in a surprisingly non-patronising voice.

“ No, brain, No. I didn’t die, in fact I thrived.”

And it’s true, the last decade saw me navigating my twenties, saw me moving out of my parent’s house and starting my career as a journalist, which let’s be honest, opened the creative door for all that has followed.

It saw me moving in with my boyfriend in our first starter home, him proposing and us moving to a better condominium. It also saw us getting married, our families getting closer and closer to each other along with us growing so far apart, we may have to re-introduce ourselves to each other.

It has been a decade of everything.

You think it, I’ve probably been through it in the last decade.

From being terrifyingly sick, to switching jobs before I decided to strike out as an entrepreneur getting back into my passions and making huge life-changing decisions,  including moving back in with my parents.

My life was built and blown right up in the last decade and as I write this post here on the last legs of 2019, I am so freaking proud of the woman I chose to become.

One of my biggest fears in life was letting my life crumble around me, especially after all the hard work, blood, sweat, copious tears and sacrifices I had made just to painstakingly build this beautiful creation brick by heavy as F brick.

And then boom!

It all came crashing down around me and all I could do was let it. Not that I didn’t try to catch the debris and rebuild, not that I didn’t try my level hardest to patch the leaks and stymie the holes when I found them… but it was all in vain- my life as I knew it spectacularly blew right up.

When it blew up, it left me facing the ugly truth I had been trying for the last two decades to fruitlessly beautify.

I had come to the inevitable cross roads and there were no more loopholes, no side roads, not even a dirt track I could divert myself onto. No.

I had to decide in that moment who I was going to be.

And here’s the thing, it didn’t all happen one afternoon, in fact if I’m honest, this process had been leading up for years, it just FELT like it was crashing down on me in that one afternoon.

And do you know why?

It was because that was the afternoon that I had run out of tricks. It was the afternoon where I was cornered and forced to choose my path.

Path A or Path B.

Path A would see me adding more explosives and blowing everything sky-high. It would entail me accepting that my marriage was over, that I was moving out and that I was a proud, broke and struggling entrepreneur who was determined to make those intuitive dreams a reality.

Path B was damage control. It would mean for me to humble myself, stifle my clamouring needs and accept that while I was depressingly unhappy , I could continue to pretend everything was ok and just stay where I was. It would mean settling, but it would offer a sense of stability and familiarity even if it was painful.

Truth is, both paths were painful.

After much deliberation, I choose Path A, simply because that path allowed me to heal. It allowed me to be accountable for my life, to realize that only I had the power to design my life and it showed up just how much I had given up on actually designing a life of joy. I chose a path of enlightenment and peace.

And it SUCKED so badly!

This path was filled with resolutions and I did not enjoy them at all. It felt like how I imagine a werewolf transformation would be like and very often I wanted out of this burning body and mind.

My transformation came with lots of tears, screaming, despondency and failures.  I second guessed myself, opened the floodgates of my doubts daily until I learnt that I could corral them and have a conversation with them.

It was a Path to learning and while not every lesson was painful, they were all necessary.

Even on the days that I thought it’d be easier to just die,  a steadily growing larger part of me would remind me that death was the end of this game. I would be choosing to NEVER change anything and so I stayed.

As I learnt to reconnect with myself, I grew more comfortable in my skin, and started facing my insecurities and harsh truths head on. I started to take responsibility for my actions and critically dissected my people-pleasing ways. I forgave myself and those who were culpable in the various stories along with me, because at that time, I recognise that we did not know any better.

I started to see the world and understand it’s machinations differently; this lead to being able to draw and attract more like minded people than ever before and my energy increased positively.

Suddenly, I had no time for negativity, no time for desperate actions and no time for self-castigation. I was having fun again, had even dared to introduce it to my work ethic, I started to actually put my health and well-being first and I began to truly actively listen to what the Universe was showing me daily.

I’m still a student of life and I’m open to learning more daily and trying new things because I can.

I’m no longer hung up on success or failure, because either way I’m winning.

And so as I sit here, the day after one of my BFF’s got married to a lovely lady, I reflect on this year and realize that I harvested many things.

I was invited to and gave my first coaching session to lovely young ladies looking for direction. I published at least 8 books that I’d written. I interacted with more entrepreneurs than ever before; I stood up for myself finally. I started working out not because I want to look a certain way, but because I wanted to be stronger and healthier and I reconnected to friends and family.

I became much more open about sharing my life, because I see those situations much differently now and I’m proud of my accomplishments. I’m proud that each day I wake up happy.

I’m proud that I know that every time I open my eyes there is an opportunity for my life to get so much better always.

I harvested gratitude this year, acceptance of myself and while this journey was tough, rough and insane, I also realise that I loved it all. I love who in all of those moments I chose to be, because that is fueling the me of today and tomorrow.

So as I say goodbye to 2019 and thank it for it’s lessons and as I say farewell to the last decade and be in awe of the girl who undertook those chapters, I look forward to the beginning of a whole new decade filled with the lessons learnt, real self love and the opening act of a new decade script.

Season’s Greetings and Happy New Year loves!


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