Self Dates and Solitude

I have always admired those girls who could go to the movies, cafes and even shop by themselves without feeling awkward or lonely, because to me that seemed like such a power move.

 As much as I’m an introvert, there are things that I simply do not want to do by myself, for the very simple reasons that I fear it would only serve to emphasize my loneliness.

After all, how many times have you seen anyone on a self-date, who looked comfortable and like they were having fun, minus being attached to their phone or having that painful ‘ please keep me company’ expectant expression on their face?

Ok, so maybe that’s just me projecting my own feelings on the few times I’ve been out alone, but to be fair, those times were because I was meeting someone and felt anxious, knowing I’d be better when they finally appeared or I left.

However, recently, something changed within me.

The more I learn about mindset health and connecting to myself,  the more I’ve started to allow myself to enjoy solitude and have started welcoming my thoughts, rather than engaging in an epic and exhausting battle of fighting them.

One of the biggest things I realized was that I was equating going out by myself with feelings of being sad, lonely, isolated and rejected,  because I was referencing the times I felt like that, which was of course when I was out, waiting for someone who I was late!

As I slowly started to carve me-time into my day, and becoming committed to the practices, I began to feel more at peace with myself and my thoughts, creative and powerful.

 I felt more comfortable and confident in staying in my own company and enjoying my little bubble, unplugged from everyone else.

I started appreciating the process of waking up; smiling that it was just time for myself and my own thoughts, doing an activity that I enjoyed.

The hardest thing for me at the beginning was disconnecting and finding time to just have me-time, which is not surprising as every new process takes time to feel out.

 It started slowly, with gym dates, then with me going to the beach alone and letting the water soak my feet and feeling the crunch of sand under my toes as I walked the length of the beach.

Then it progressed to rambling around the island in my car, taking in new sites, stopping to eat where I wanted and knowing I didn’t have to impress anyone and if I wanted to go home I could.

My next goal is to get dressed up and go to the movies, dinner and maybe even to a bar.

These actions are important to me, because it’s me deliberately and intentionally choosing to spend time with myself and treat myself to the things I enjoy.

To me, that alone is so powerful, because I’ve taken my relationship with myself public, instead of choosing the easier road of staying home (- not to say that at times I do choose to stay home and enjoy me time there, it’s all about options and having fun) and I’m really, truly enjoying letting my power time flag fly high!


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My Law of Harmony

Law of Attraction, Law of Vacuums and the Backwards Law…

These are just three of the ‘life laws’ that I’ve come across in the last two years on my journey to understanding how to attract abundance and as I came across each Law, I understood the merit behind it’s ethos, however, the last one I came across stuck in my craw and nothing I did would root it out.

The Backwards Law, so coined by Alan Watts in his 1951 book The Wisdom of Insecurity, talks about how the more you try for one outcome, you’ll get the opposite. 

The example he gives in the book is about the dichotomy of trying to float and sinking, and then trying to actively sink, but the water pushes you back up and makes you float.

“When you try to stay on the surface of the water, you sink; but when you try to sink, you float. When you hold your breath, you lose it”.

And while these things are true, and bring to mind such physics theories as Archimedes’ Principle and Newton’s Three Laws of Motion,  the more I thought about these laws and tried to reconcile their similar, yet largely differing teachings, it occurred to me that the only way they all work, is through Harmony.

So it’s true that the more you put good vibes into the world, the more good you’ll get back (Law of Attraction) and it’s true that the more you over think on something, the more of the opposite you’ll get (Backwards law) and it’s also true that when you make space, that space will also be filled by something else (Vacuum’s Law).

So how do all of these truths make it into your world?

How do they bring you the abundance and high vibe energy that all the energy workers promise you can have when you ascribe to the Laws?

You realize that it’s all about harmony.

To dive into or float atop water, you have to first understand the water, and understand how to work with it – not against it- to achieve your goals.

One method will require force, another will require relaxation.

To bring more good vibes, means to be in harmony with your own mind and world first.

It means to start changing your mindset about yourself, about joy and fun and letting yourself live freely.

And to get the reaction you want, it means to detach yourself from the outcome and to not over think anymore.

 It means understanding that the over thinking and stressing, and obsessing sends the wrong signals and corrupts your high energy, so start detaching from the outcomes of your goals.

Think about it, when you are in harmony with something, you don’t doubt it, you don’t need to worry or obsess, in fact, you’re confident about it and you’re relaxed.

So think about it.

My law of Harmony and try it.

Daily let yourself choose to be in a relaxed, high vibes and happy space.

 You set the tone, and regardless of whether it’s good or bad, you then harmonise with it, resulting in what you put in.


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Is Prejudice a Lethal form of Bullying?


While I am not African American, I am a black Caribbean woman living in this wold and it would be naive of me to think that prejudices just because they are exploding out of one country, cannot affect all of the world. The Covid-19 pandemic should have shone light on that fact that anything that affects and impacts one of us, affects us all.

Another thing that pandemic showed us was that unlike us, viruses do not discriminate among ethnicity. If it attacks the human system, then we are ALL vulnerable. End. So in this light, I have to say I am so exhausted of the ongoing feuds we are still enabling around the world.

I am beyond exhausted that we even HAVE to have a hashtag #BlackLlivesMatter just so a stand for justice, equity and understanding that it is beyond NOT ok and will not stand to so openly behave in this way, to openly take such aggressive actions against a person because of the colour of their skin, because of perpetuated economic stereotyes and because we as a society have not let go of the ‘black people are dangerous mentality’.

We are all dangerous, and there is no ethnicity that has not done something violent against their own and others, so we need justice now. And to really change this centuries old conditioning, we have to see that when prejudices are boiled down, it is a lethal form of bullying.

Bullying in any form is not acceptable and we all know it is a condition that can be resolved, can be healed, the question here is: Do we want to heal and become the generation that took real, committed strides towards healing prejudices and seeing each other as human beings end,

OR

Are we the generation that keeps the pain and suffering going, by inciting more blame, more finger pointing and not getting justice in the way we all agreed was the process for it?

Let’s be the generation that teaches our differences are wonderful, that we all make mistakes and are flawed but that is not what defines us as a people. Let’s be the generation that teaches love is a human state of being that should not be scoffed at, but spread throughout each and every culture.

What will you choose?


How I’m Learning to Love Unconditionally

It never occurred to me that I could be loved unconditionally. The concept itself made very little sense to me, as I simply could not fathom, how it was possible to love someone for doing nothing more than existing.

I subscribed for years, to what I now call ‘conditional affection’,  where the relationship grew based on whether the person was willing to appease you and what they brought into your world to make your own well-being much easier.

You see it often in movies and in love letters, where the person professes his/her love and it’s a laundry list of the ways the other makes their life easier, but rarely states the qualities and traits of the first person; like are they kind, intelligent?

It’s always a very egotisical spiel that made me realize that the relationship would be based on whether the person could keep up or improve upon that laundry list.

The thing is, attraction starts with realizing how someone makes you feel, it gets fuelled by the things you have in common and then by you seeing and approving of behaviours.

The problem comes, because that’s where most of us choose to stop our hearts.

We stop at the things the person does for us, or the things you do for them.

There is another step, where you start to love the person simply because you realize and acknowledge them on an encompassing human level. 


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The Low Down On Working from Home

One of the many appeals for working from home for me was, of course not having to get up super early and get ready for work and the belief that I would be able to choose my own hours.

In the beginning of this journey, I was lured in by the siren call of not having to wake up at a specific time, not having to do the ‘ work day grooming’ routine, including wrangling the mane I call my hair, not having to don another suit and pack my work bag and figure out lunch, etc.

 Rather, I could stay in my comfy clothes all day, make lunch when I was ready, work out more and then set time in the day to grab my laptop and work!

Everything I needed was here at home with me and it was awesome!

Sounds like heaven yes?

And it was for a while, until things inevitably went completely out of control!

Let’s start with the Grooming.

You do not understand how important it is to have a grooming routine, until you have thrown yours right out the window, watch it shatter into a million pieces as it hits the concrete ground and laugh at the fragments.

One day, after I spent way too many hours (more than 12) on my laptop, I caught a rare reflection of myself in the mirror and it was roouugghh!

My hair was a wild, unkempt mess, I was in distressed ‘comfy clothes’ meaning they had holes they were not intended to have, I had not moisturized my skin in too many days, since I’d gotten into the habit of moisturizing only if leaving the house….so…yeah. 

 I hadn’t worn jewelry in forever and of course if I’m home all day, there is no reason to actually put on any kind of make up or get my nails done.

Then came the eating habits.

You think you’ll have time to make lunch or just go buy something, but I’m telling you right now, you will not.

Many times, I would hear my stomach grumbling (make it roaring) and belatedly realize that I hadn’t eaten anything in a very long time and then have to make the decision to stop whatever it is I’m working on and go make something, which also comes with the hope that I had in fact actually shopped and had anything in the house to eat.

Sometimes, in a pinch I’d grab a snack and feel the workflow pushing, because usually I’d be working with a deadline and I get a little manic about those.

Needless to say, I started to gain weight, a direct result from not eating properly or at correct times, not sleeping nearly enough, and not making the real commitment to work out, because in my silly mind, if I had time to do these things, then I should be trying to push off my workload.

Next up, came the home chores. 

While I took lunch, I would look around and see the seemingly endless list of chores I could be doing as well.

After all, if I’m home, then I should be more on the chores. I should be able to keep the house clean, do the work and also magically take care of myself too.

It took me a very long time to realize my slacking on my health and beauty routines were all due to having a guilty mindset.

I was trying to show that I could find the jobs, I could make the money and that I could handle it all, so I approached this new chapter in my life like I was an employee gone wild…which in retrospect was what I was.

 And let me tell you now, that was a big mistake. Huge!

Something we who work from home, will never admit to, is the fact that even though we are not doing the ‘ getting ready for work’ routine and even smirking at our mates as they do, we have a routine all of our own and we are not as ‘ free’ as we like to let others believe.

In fact, when you work from home, you end up working way more hours than your last job and feeling pretty miserable, because your home is now your ‘office’ and no longer your sanctuary.

It’s all about mindset and whether you are willing to put in the necessary boundaries you need to make this transition work for you.

Here are a few that has saved me from jumping fully off the brink of insanity.

Boundary 1: Choose Your Working Times.


This does not have to be a linear- 9 to 5 if you don’t want it to be, in fact depending on what you’re comfortable with you can decide how to align your hours and how many to your day.

You are the boss and your hours are in fact up to you, this means you have to uphold and enforce these business decisions with your employees, your clients and your own mind.

During the working hours, there is no time for home chores, personal phone calls etc. It’s time to get your work done!

Boundary 2: Your Health is the MOST Important Thing


If you’re a workaholic seeking validation about your new life choice like I was, then you’re going to want to prove over and over again that this thing you’re doing is right and that will come at the expense of your health. Nope. Not this year.

Wake up, and take the first few moments to focus on you, and how you’re feeling. Pay attention to your hydration, eating what you should and make the time to workout at least three times a week. Have a cut off time for sleep, so that you are well rested and ready to go again tomorrow with even more endurance and creativity. Sleep heals the body and the mind, so ensure you get your full quota.

Boundary 3: Your Identity is Not Tied to Your Bank Account


It’s easy to get disheartened and stress over money, over how you perceive your business to be going and to freak out when you do not have enough for bills. 

I’ve been there and I was almost nominated for Mayor for there!

Your identity, worth and raison d’être have nothing to do with the health of your bank account or the level of success of your business.

You have no one to prove anything to, instead try shifting your perspective to enjoying what you are actually doing, rather than trying to prove that this lifestyle choice is right.

If you’re not comfortable, hopeful and committed to this then, what’s the point?

Boundary 4: Fun and Happiness is a Priority


When I first started this journey, I was a workaholic and I would tell myself that if I had time to be ‘slacking off’ then I could be working harder, because I genuinely believed the amount of money I made was directly proportional to how much I devoted myself to this business.

That was wrong.

Wrong.

Wrong!

In the end, I found that self-care was what made me the money.

Detaching myself from the business and the pressure of making money, allowed the money to finally flow… insane right?

Yes, but it works.

So I started opening my life up to social events with my friends, listening to music, spending alone time with myself, where I’d go on self-dates and walks and indulged in my own creativity.

It is amazing and the more fun I had, the more I strengthened the bonds with my friends, the more positive abundance came into my life.

Boundary 5: You are Important


Too often we get caught up with the need for purpose in life, for conditional results and as an entrepreneur; I can tell you that results are correlation at best. 

You are your business, but your business is not you.

Being able to work from home is to my way of thinking, the path to the future, but the way we get there will be determined by us who are laying the foundation.

You are important as an individual.

You are amazing just as you are, whether you are jobless, have no ambition, or afraid to start something of your own, it  doesn’t matter.

Work is just a tool, not a measurement of who you are as a person, so stop punishing yourself and LIVE!

Have fun, laugh, socialize, be merry and allow yourself time to find the path you want to fill your days with.


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When Life Doesn’t Go as Planned

Life it seems is a master of going off the rails the moment you let your guard down, or at least, that is how it feels sometimes, when things just don’t work out even remotely in the vicinity of possibility you had prescribed for it.

I grew up in Barbados, hearing the saying ‘Man plans and God laughs’ and if I’ve learnt anything at all over the last three years, it’s the veracity of that saying, along with the bitter realization that I am not in control of even 10% of the things I tried so hard to hold dominion over.

Was it a terribly bitter pill to swallow?

Yes, yes it was.

And I fought against swallowing it, much like a toddler does, head shaking, feeble hands coming up to ward off the oncoming pill to tightly buckled in lips.

And fight as I might, run and hide as I tired, it did nothing to belie the truths that were battering with typhoon like strength at door of my mind and life.

In the end, I found relief not in the belief that I could control people or things or even my cats, but in letting some of the pillars in my life crumble and shatter onto the ground. I found relief in being honest with myself, my wants, true desires and letting go of the ‘old me’.

A caterpillar will never become a butterfly if it does not allow itself the pain of change, if it does not allow that life as a flightless worm to recede and embrace the transformation of wings and new diet, complete with a whole new perspective on life.

And so, that’s what I had to do. Relinquish my death grip on my caterpillar self and trust in God, in the cosmic energy that he placed here that I was going to be ok, that these set-backs delays and the things that threatened to turn me greener than the wicked witch of the West was all steps in my journey to my ultimate truth.

And my truth, was that no matter what happened, so long as I believed my intuition, and kept going, growing, learning and letting things go, could I turn into the beautiful blue butterfly, I was always destined for and live that very new yet totally intrinsic life.



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What To Know In Times Of Grief

The true test of raising your positive energy and trying to attract more miracles into your life comes in the midst of the toughest, roughest and most uncertain times of your life.

It is very easy, I recognise now to say you will ‘ try’ something when you feel safe with time, when you have someone who is helping your financially, and when your present allows you some form of security, so you have the luxury of ‘ trying something’.

However, as I found out very recently, the moment something happens to upset that delicate balance, when something snatches away your security blanket, and opens your eyes to an all new extent of challenges, problems and negative emotions, it is also really freaking easy to abandon your lessons of inner peace, inner healing and give yourself over to despair, to obsessing about the plethora of deadline sensitive challenges and remove yourself from any spark of enjoyment.

My moment came in the early morning around 2 am in the Queen Elizabeth Hospital as a doctor informed me, my brother and my Mom that my Dad, who seemed fine just a few hours ago was now gone.

In those moments, I felt nothing, but my body was reacting all on its own. I wanted to laugh at the sheer insanity of what she was saying and cry when it hit me that this was real. Just like that, my security blanket was ripped away and there laid stark in front of me was a black hole.

The black hole of responsibility and impotence, because my Dad was the main breadwinner of the family ( pun intended as he was a baker) and now he was gone. In my head, all I saw was how useless I am. How much I had been relying on him and that triggered guilt, fear, anger and loads of grief and devastation.

And for this whole week I’ve been playing games with my feelings, ignoring them, basically freezing them out because I told myself I no longer have time. I felt atrociously stupid for thinking I could attract abundance and flung myself as I always do when these kinds of things happen into crisis mode.

I resigned myself by the 4th day to have to suck it up and give up on any dreams I had, because life was not about happiness, but survival and this was all I was going to have.

Grief is a funny thing and it makes you see things in very new ways, not all great. Yet, something in me, this voice that had been cultivating since the beginning of this year, this voice that suggested the challenge of raising my positive energy and told me to surrender, wouldn’t let me give into my own pity-party.

It wouldn’t allow me to reconstruct the dark cape my new challenges and problems were trying to cover me back in. It wouldn’t let me go back into the black hole from which I have been trying to will myself out of years.

And I’ll be honest with you, it is very easy to feel despondent when you’re flat out broke, when it feels as if nothing you do works and that you maybe too idealistic to play the games of reality. It is not easy to change old paradigms, especially when they seem to be all you have to protect your survival when things go horribly wrong.

And I was deep into doubting myself, deep into layering on piles and piles of self castigation, self pity and antipathy.

And then one day, I went back to my blog and listened to some of my Riffing with Ashlee episodes that I had created in those moments of glorious insight and realised that the woman who said those things, who was working so hard on her mindset and had the goal of living a life filled with happiness should not be abandoned.

Why should I honour my Dad’s life by killing all the life within me?

He sacrificed daily for me to be able to bring this dream of my ideal lifestyle to fruition. He listened to me, had faith in me and how ungrateful would I be to give it all up just because a new obstacle appeared?

A voice in my mind…- my intuition maybe-, is telling me to be grateful and appreciative of the times, experiences and moments we had together. It’s telling me to remember to have fun with what I’m doing and trust that God and Universe ALWAYS have my back.

It’s telling me to be faithful and to surrender to the problems, to the anxiety, instead of obsessing over what it all means. To catalogue all the things that are telling me that everything is going to be ok.

This means putting in effort to be mindful of your feelings and to realise that it’s beyond ok to let fun in. That it is ok to allow fun and positivity into your life no matter how dark a time you are going through.

To prioritise yourself health, physical, emotional, mental, spiritual and social over everything else and to not let others dictate how you should feel, what you should do or to give up on what is important to you.

It’s a tough lesson, I won’t lie, but it really is one of the biggest tests I’ve gone through in my life!

It’s going to feel like it’s you against everything and it will even feel as if you’re expendable, worthless and wasting time, but the truth is…you’re not any of those things.

You are brave, strong, wise and beautiful for realising that adding to the world’s miasma is the wrong path. You’re courageous for listening and tuning into yourself and you are absolutely gorgeous for realising that God/ the Universe has brought you so far, not to abandon you, but to prepare you for the next step.

For me, it’s a test of faith, commitment and to see if I really am practicing what I preach, what I say I believe and yeah, this was terrifying, but not impossible. It’s heart wrenching, but not enough for me to give up on myself.

So I choose to take away from this experience that it was my Dad’s time, it was gratefully quick, and he was not alone and be grateful that my Mom and I are still able to eat, sleep and worry about things. We are in a tough spot, yes, but it won’t be forever and there are so many things we can both choose to branch out in now.

My Dad is gone.

I’m praying he is at peace and reconciled with the way his life was. Just as you don’t know when you’re about to enter this world, you also don’t know when you’re about to leave it. And you have to remember daily that this time, this journey, these experiences are all gifts, to be enjoyed to add more love to the world.


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Embracing the Wild 2020’s

Happy New Year! Happy New Decade!

As I sit atop of a hill, with the chilly breeze flowing all around, me lightly kissing my warm skin, I can’t help but to let my mind wander.

Beneath me is a picturesque view of Barbados. A sea of nature, interspersed with the dots of homes, businesses and moving vehicles on grey roads. Below me the island paradise is alive with productivity.

Leaning back from the bright rays of the sun, because I forgot my hat (read: totally didn’t even think of bringing it), I listen to the calls of the black birds, and watch as the sparrows return to their nests in the palm tree behind me.

It’s all quiet, peaceful.

To my right, there are cows munching on grass in the field next to me, not a care in the world except what they are eating and for some reason that sight, coupled with everything else, makes me feel so very nostalgic.

It’s wild to me that this is not only a whole new year, but also the beginning of a whole new decade and I am actually excited for my future this time around.

As I sit here, a week into this new year with the grass beginning to itch my bare legs in these stretchy, denim shorts, I allow myself to reflect on how much I’ve grown in the last ten years.

2010 was a HUGE year for me and if I’m honest it was one of the most pivotal years of my life.

I graduated from University with honours, after getting an A on my Thesis, earning my BA in psychology. I resigned from my part time job as a shoe saleslady and took my first real step into following my passions, when I applied and got accepted to work as a journalist in the Hello Youth Magazine.

That alone was a culture shock for me, getting to write was one thing, but meeting new people daily, and being placed in situations which meant I had to bolster my confidence and meet challenges head on, was nothing short of necessary.

I bought my first car, and started to find my voice, not only in what I was writing for work, but also for what I am interested in and what life boundaries I needed to enforce.

 I met more amazing friends and started my journey into womanhood officially.

The decade that followed only saw me learning more about myself, making life changing decisions and growing more into accepting what I really wanted from this life of mine. It took me like shells trapped in an unrelenting wave towards the shores of inner healing and self- acceptance.

So as I sit here, in 2020, I can tell you that I am a lady emboldened.

Just last year, while I woke up cautiously hopeful for the New Year, I was still going through the rough transition of mindset shifting and it honestly took just as much of a toll on me as it did in releasing me from my inner demons.

 I was still struggling to find my footing and soothe away all of my aches, thinking I could resolve my problems and challenges if I just kept focusing on them, if I could just find a win and prove that all my sacrifices, painful lessons and hopeful dreams were not all for nothing.

Turns out, that’s not how that works.

 When you focus on problems, you don’t fix them, instead you allow them to multiply and stage a coup to take over your very soul.

This year, I’m the same me, just wiser, stronger, calmer and somehow even more optimistic.

And why is that you may ask?

It’s simply because as I reflect over my MANY struggles over the last decade and beyond, the results have been pretty consistent.

I’m still here and I stay.

No matter what, no matter how many times I felt roasted over fire, no matter how many times I wanted to tear my skin off as tribute to my perceived failures, no matter how many times I said ‘yes’ when in truth, my heart was screaming ‘no’ but I forced myself all the same, I’ve learnt from all of that and allowed myself to reveal my own heart to me.

2020 ( like the vision)  is the start of a new chapter in my life. The first year in a new decade almost always means spectacular awesomeness for me. My energy is high, my will is strong and most importantly, I’m aware that time is actually on my side.

No masterpiece can be created in a rush or on an arbitrary deadline and that’s what I was trying to do with myself.

Rush my healing, enter into a race of life, I had no business being in, digesting other people’s challenges because I felt maybe that was the right guideline for me.

Today, I am grateful and so appreciative that I have the time and that I’ve created the lifestyle where I can sit in a field, soaking up the sun and let my words flow out to you. I can let you into my thoughts and offer my own advice to you easily.

So this year, the beginning of the roaring 2020’s, I realize that come what may, I am 100% that bitch. I’m the one who understands that everything in me is intuition first and I am more aware of what is best serving me. I choose to concentrate on that.

I choose to allow myself the pain of growing, to allow myself the grins of joys and to simply know that I am enough, all I have is enough and it is all beautiful.


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But Did You Die Tho?

“But did you die tho?”

As I sit here in my room on a warm, yet breezy Caribbean day in December, reflecting not only over this year 2019, but the last decade in general, those are the words that my brain whispers in a surprisingly non-patronising voice.

“ No, brain, No. I didn’t die, in fact I thrived.”

And it’s true, the last decade saw me navigating my twenties, saw me moving out of my parent’s house and starting my career as a journalist, which let’s be honest, opened the creative door for all that has followed.

It saw me moving in with my boyfriend in our first starter home, him proposing and us moving to a better condominium. It also saw us getting married, our families getting closer and closer to each other along with us growing so far apart, we may have to re-introduce ourselves to each other.

It has been a decade of everything.

You think it, I’ve probably been through it in the last decade.

From being terrifyingly sick, to switching jobs before I decided to strike out as an entrepreneur getting back into my passions and making huge life-changing decisions,  including moving back in with my parents.

My life was built and blown right up in the last decade and as I write this post here on the last legs of 2019, I am so freaking proud of the woman I chose to become.

One of my biggest fears in life was letting my life crumble around me, especially after all the hard work, blood, sweat, copious tears and sacrifices I had made just to painstakingly build this beautiful creation brick by heavy as F brick.

And then boom!

It all came crashing down around me and all I could do was let it. Not that I didn’t try to catch the debris and rebuild, not that I didn’t try my level hardest to patch the leaks and stymie the holes when I found them… but it was all in vain- my life as I knew it spectacularly blew right up.

When it blew up, it left me facing the ugly truth I had been trying for the last two decades to fruitlessly beautify.

I had come to the inevitable cross roads and there were no more loopholes, no side roads, not even a dirt track I could divert myself onto. No.

I had to decide in that moment who I was going to be.

And here’s the thing, it didn’t all happen one afternoon, in fact if I’m honest, this process had been leading up for years, it just FELT like it was crashing down on me in that one afternoon.

And do you know why?

It was because that was the afternoon that I had run out of tricks. It was the afternoon where I was cornered and forced to choose my path.

Path A or Path B.

Path A would see me adding more explosives and blowing everything sky-high. It would entail me accepting that my marriage was over, that I was moving out and that I was a proud, broke and struggling entrepreneur who was determined to make those intuitive dreams a reality.

Path B was damage control. It would mean for me to humble myself, stifle my clamouring needs and accept that while I was depressingly unhappy , I could continue to pretend everything was ok and just stay where I was. It would mean settling, but it would offer a sense of stability and familiarity even if it was painful.

Truth is, both paths were painful.

After much deliberation, I choose Path A, simply because that path allowed me to heal. It allowed me to be accountable for my life, to realize that only I had the power to design my life and it showed up just how much I had given up on actually designing a life of joy. I chose a path of enlightenment and peace.

And it SUCKED so badly!

This path was filled with resolutions and I did not enjoy them at all. It felt like how I imagine a werewolf transformation would be like and very often I wanted out of this burning body and mind.

My transformation came with lots of tears, screaming, despondency and failures.  I second guessed myself, opened the floodgates of my doubts daily until I learnt that I could corral them and have a conversation with them.

It was a Path to learning and while not every lesson was painful, they were all necessary.

Even on the days that I thought it’d be easier to just die,  a steadily growing larger part of me would remind me that death was the end of this game. I would be choosing to NEVER change anything and so I stayed.

As I learnt to reconnect with myself, I grew more comfortable in my skin, and started facing my insecurities and harsh truths head on. I started to take responsibility for my actions and critically dissected my people-pleasing ways. I forgave myself and those who were culpable in the various stories along with me, because at that time, I recognise that we did not know any better.

I started to see the world and understand it’s machinations differently; this lead to being able to draw and attract more like minded people than ever before and my energy increased positively.

Suddenly, I had no time for negativity, no time for desperate actions and no time for self-castigation. I was having fun again, had even dared to introduce it to my work ethic, I started to actually put my health and well-being first and I began to truly actively listen to what the Universe was showing me daily.

I’m still a student of life and I’m open to learning more daily and trying new things because I can.

I’m no longer hung up on success or failure, because either way I’m winning.

And so as I sit here, the day after one of my BFF’s got married to a lovely lady, I reflect on this year and realize that I harvested many things.

I was invited to and gave my first coaching session to lovely young ladies looking for direction. I published at least 8 books that I’d written. I interacted with more entrepreneurs than ever before; I stood up for myself finally. I started working out not because I want to look a certain way, but because I wanted to be stronger and healthier and I reconnected to friends and family.

I became much more open about sharing my life, because I see those situations much differently now and I’m proud of my accomplishments. I’m proud that each day I wake up happy.

I’m proud that I know that every time I open my eyes there is an opportunity for my life to get so much better always.

I harvested gratitude this year, acceptance of myself and while this journey was tough, rough and insane, I also realise that I loved it all. I love who in all of those moments I chose to be, because that is fueling the me of today and tomorrow.

So as I say goodbye to 2019 and thank it for it’s lessons and as I say farewell to the last decade and be in awe of the girl who undertook those chapters, I look forward to the beginning of a whole new decade filled with the lessons learnt, real self love and the opening act of a new decade script.

Season’s Greetings and Happy New Year loves!


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The Real Reason I Started Seeking Pain

As much as it pains me to admit this, I realise that I have to… Freud was right the entire time.

For those who may already know my issues with this legendary psychologist, I’m sure you read that last line in total shock-, trust me, it was just as shocking for me to write it-, yet fair is fair and I have to give the man his rightful due.

Freud as it turns out understood basic human nature and mindset more than I did- no shock there, but as I write this post, I think I finally get where he was actually coming from now.

It’s Monday and I’m sitting in the TV Room, on the long couch next to the window, basking in the warm sunlight and the light. chilly breeze that’s swirling inside.

It’s a quiet day, the sun is high in the sky, the clouds are wisps in the ocean blue sky and honestly if this is not the kind of day that sparks inner reflection, I do not know what is.

Oh and the electricity is off, because of some generator failure Islandwide and I’m using the last of my laptop power to type this up.

It’s off and I now understand what a ‘lazy day’ feels like. Outside in the dining room, my parents are loudly and randomly going over potential cake recipes and the price to make them.

My kindle gave up the ghost on me and I, with great reluctance turned on this laptop to write because as I recline on this couch, staring at the sky and feeling lethargy creep up on me, I realized that when it came to money, wealth, my own journey in entrepreneurship, the way I’ve been thinking before and the way that my intuition wants me to be thinking now, all comes back to freaking Sigmund Freud.

Yeah, that spurred me to open up a word doc and start typing.

So here it is: Freud was right in the most basic of thoughts -> Man seeks pleasure and avoids pain.

I’ve known that ideology for years thanks to my Psychology background and my stint with online coaches, and yet today, on a warm, lazy, no distractions Monday morning, I freaking finally get it.

I have been struggling with a variety of things, specifically what are the things that come to me in this world, simply because I exist.

For instance, for me to exist and live in this world, I have to be provided with a variety of things, including, water, oxygen, food, clothes and a safe dwelling.

Those things are non-negotiable and to be honest are things I just expected to be there all my life and they have been.

Have you ever noticed that?

That these are just things that you expect in life, that these are just some of the things that you don’t have to think about getting? As you exist, they must be provided for you, even if you don’t know how or where they will come from?

It’s supposed to be the same with health, wealth, love and happiness.

Yet,  you may argue that this is not the case and even I felt for a long time that in order to have these things in abundance, then I needed to find strategies, I needed to do more than simply exist.

Somewhere down the line between being a toddler to adulthood, I stopped seeking pleasure because I was sure it would come with pain and my mindset shifted and developed differently because of that.

Health instead of being about loving my body, mind and spirit, became about looking attractive to others and weight lost.

Wealth instead of being a byproduct of my own passions coming to fruition, became about not having money, trying to find money, settling for what I can get and ignoring my passions.

Love instead of being a lifestyle became a thing that was used to manipulate and cause pain.

Happiness instead of being a state of mind, became a pipe dream that was based on what I had, rather than who I was and my energy.

So yeah, all of these things began to cause more pain than pleasure, even as they were created to provide pleasure, and so I started to avoid them in the states I believed they existed in.

For weeks, and months I have been going through a lot of shifts, in which I have been reclaiming my health, love, happiness and wealth, acknowledging that just like the air I breathe, they too in their pure ( not corrupted by greed, fear and desperation states) are to be provided to me just because I exist.

So Freud, I get it now, I get that there are things that are provided to me simply because I exist and that I have the power to either nurture them or corrupt them.

I understand that I do seek pleasure and I will avoid pain, but this depends heavily on what I perceive to be giving me either and how I interact with it.

And I also understand that in all of this, my true and only focus needs to be on healthy, growing love.

Thanks for taking this time to spend with me.  Don’t forget you can totally comment below or email me your thoughts at ashleeunscripted@gmail.com, Let’s connect!

I’ll see you later!


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