Why We Are Into the Praise Kink

There is just something about being called ‘ good’ and praised for existing that accelerates your heart-rate, turns you into a puddle and makes the person who just whispered those words of praise into your ears even hotter than they were a few moments ago.

We’re finally in an age where more and more people are being open and honest about having kinks and also admitting what they are; one of the lesser known kinks that has been gaining popularity is the very simple yet powerful ‘ praise kink’.

A kink, not to be confused with a fetish – which usually refers to a necessary behavior that a person needs in order to become aroused-, simply defined is a sexual activity that fall outside of sex that society traditionally considers  acceptable (read: vanilla sex).

This can include anything from flogging, role play to breath play; the sky is the limit and the ones you try out is all up to you and your partner.

Praise kink, which falls under the category of Psychological play, is a complete 180 from the controversial Humiliation kink, where your partner uses derogatory language, including name calling and verbal abuse during intercourse.

“Intense language as a use of force can be just as intense, or even more intense, as consensually degrading physical sensations, such as impact play,” says sex educator Tina Horn, host of the podcast Why Are People Into That?!

Praise kinks on the other hand is all about complimenting and praising your partner. 

 In the land of BDSM, praise kinks are usually when a dominant deliberately praises his/her submissive for doing something good, for behavior that pleases the dominant or simply to compliment their partner.

This kink can also help the submissive to drop further into subspace (the mindset of one releasing their outer inhibitions and becoming subservient for the scene).

Praise kinks, usually include calling the sub, “good girl/ boy”, asking them to be “good for” the dominant and, rewarding them for obeying their dominant, especially during scenes with edging.

As abovementioned praise kinks are a part of emotional play, which falls under psychological BDSM.

Emotional play is often coupled with light Age Play, i.e calling the sub ‘Babygirl’ and the dominant, ‘Daddy’, and causes the submissive to have an emotional response to the words, whether they are humiliating or uplifting.

Praise kink is considered one of the softer forms of emotional play, because it does not fall into the harder and rougher categories required for masochism and sadism yet has been very useful to help subs get into the right head space and for coming back to themselves after a particularly intense scene, gently.

Praise kinks are being used more often to offset the humiliation play, as it elicits a cathartic response from the submissive that he/ she has been good, is being rewarded and also signals for them to further listen to the instructions of the dominant.

It has been said that everyone has a kink however, for healthy sex and for a truly amazing experience as you explore the varying sides of your sexuality, you and your partner have to talk about them and both agree to try out these experiences.

 Consent is sexy and so is trust. They are both mandatory.

Both things that are needed as emotional play can create lasting scars, because both partners are opening themselves up and being vulnerable with each other.

Enjoy your kinks safely and always respect your partner’s needs and boundaries.

You made it to the end! Wooot!

Now come join me in the Ash Files, where we are talking, sharing and story-telling about this and other Ashlee Unscripted posts! Subscribe here.

Read Next

5 Ways Your Best Friends Set the Standards for Your Lover

 Let’s be honest: There is no such thing as ‘Just Friends’,  in fact, the people who you choose to be your confidants and spend your time with  are very important people.

They are the ones who you trust, who you share your victories and failures with and they are the ones who you fully expect to have your back at all times and its all mutual.

There is an inner scale of friendship, that we all adhere to whether we admit to it or not and it runs from acquaintances, friends, good friends, close friends, to best friends, which we use to establish the level of connectivity, and vulnerability we display around each respective friend label.

(Am I wrong? Didn’t think so)

You know how awesome your friends are, the decisions you both make to ensure your relationships grow  happily, and the level of deep trust that you are consistently nurturing  ( especially your BFF’s)  so is it any surprise that these people who you have chosen to be in your inner sanctum highlight the standards  to which you must hold your romantic partner?

Nope, that makes sense!

Afterall the people you have bestowed the honour of ‘good friends’ and ‘best friends’ are relationships that are near and dear to your heart always… so why wouldn’t the person you are having sex with and linking lives not have similar qualities and show signs of care?

There is absolutely no reason.

The following are the five ways in which your BFF’s are setting the standards for the kind of behaviours and beliefs your partner should embody!

Your close friends and best friends will support you through thick and thin, they do not put you down, nor do they criticize your efforts.

Your best friends love you for the good, bad and the ugly and this comes from both of you putting in mutual effort into your friendships.

This level of support is a product of making a decision to learn who each other are honestly, comes from lots of communication on silly and important things, it comes with building up trust and ‘vibing’ together.

Your BFF is the first to call you back from the brink of destruction, and be your biggest, loudest and fiercest cheerleader when it comes to you following your dreams and building the healthiest lifestyle for yourself. 

 He/she is also the person who knows your quirks, crazy habits and still loves you unconditionally. They are the people you can feel the love from and they fit easily into your life!

When it comes to expecting this kind of understanding from your partner, Kim Panganiban, LMFT, Certified Gottman Therapist, notes, “You want a partner who is interested in you, admires you, and supports you emotionally. Your partner should also honor your dreams and work toward creating a sense of shared meaning with you”.

Your friends are important in times of crisis, whether it be personal, financial or work related. 

Real quick, how many times have you been having an awful day and the only person able to make you smile was your BFF?

Or he/she was the person who when you called, helped you through the crisis to the best of their ability? Your BFF is reliable, creative and tries for you.

The truth is your BFF will never leave you curled up on the couch in pain and suffering, unless it is to go buy you medicine.

Author of “Therapy in Focus: What to Expect from CBT for Social Anxiety Disorder” Arlin Cuncic, MA,  notes, “Friends are especially important during times of crisis and turbulence. If you find yourself going through a hard time, having a friend to help you through can make the transition easier”.

So when you think about it and you know that your friend would go to the end of the Earth to ensure you are taken care of and safe, then why would you accept anything less from your significant others?

“This person is supposed to be your better half, the one who you choose to spend your whole life with, and the one who you’re ready to be there for, through sickness and in health,” says Jan Magallon on Vocal.

Your partner just like your best friend will also have to be one of the people who you feel safe enough to call in a time of crisis and know that they have your back, and keep you safe.

Your best friends can be very positive influences in your life, and help you to boost your self esteem and your health. 

 Having at least one person you know you can rely on, will help build your confidence more.

Having a person, who genuinely wants you to be healthy, happy and make positive decisions, is a boost to your own health and lifestyle, because as we are highly social animals, that deep, genuine affectionate relationship will help you to be very healthy and live a much more positive life.

 “If you make friends with people who are generous with their time, help others, ambitious, or family-oriented, you are more likely to develop those values yourself.Having positive relationships with these types of people will also improve your social functioning in general,” Arlin Cuncic, MA, notes.

“[…] if you have at least one friend, you will be more likely to get out and start doing things. That friend may also suggest activities that you would not have considered on your own—thus, pushing you outside your comfort zone to challenge your anxiety,” she continues.

When it comes to romantic partners, the case is very much the same.

 You and your partner should have each other’s best interests at heart and demonstrate your love for each other frequently and naturally, so the bond continues to be reinforced.

Your close friends and especially your best friend all know and love your level of goofiness.

They are the ones who will have been exposed the most to your quirks, the things you absolutely nerd out over, know well your sense of humour and the reason they know these possibly embarrassing things about your personality is because they have earned your trust and you feel safe enough to let all of your true self be on full display.

There is no need to impress or hide who you are from your friends, because they whether consciously or subconsciously accept you as you are.

When it comes to your partner, we tend to try to hide many aspects of ourselves, thinking some of them may be too extreme or unattractive for him/her to discover.

However, if this person is really your person, the person who you want to share your life and love with, then wouldn’t it make sense for them to also love your goofiness and the aspects of you that are the foundation for who you essentially are?

Be yourself always and those who are supposed to be in your life will be.

Let us talk about sex.

Your BFF is a person you can change clothes with in the same room if you felt comfortable enough or if you don’t, will not be offended if you ask them to give you space to change.

This is a trait that is still very, very important in a romantic partner, regardless of if you are having sex with them or not.

 The real concept I’m getting at here is consent and the respect for your personal boundaries.

Just as your BFF will not hesitate to respect your boundaries of comfort, personal space and preference, so too must your romantic partner.

Romantic relationships are not built on sex; instead they are actually built on the nurturing of similar value systems.  

In spending time with friends, your bond grows through great conversation, heartfelt caring, support and having real fun with each other.

They are the ones who are smiling at your good fortune, and when we fall on hard times, they are the ones to put things in better perspective and offer genuine help. 

Money, jealousy, and apathy are not things you fight with your best friend about, because you don’t have to question their motives, the same needs to be in place for the person who is supposed to be on a tier just above your BFF, your life partner.

The rule of thumb that I hope this article expresses is that if it’s not ok for a friend to do certain things, then it is definitely not ok for your romantic partner to do so either.

By the same token, if your friends are more supportive, more open to honest communication and seem to care about you and your interests more, then you need to seriously re-examine the relationship you are in right now and see if this person is really someone you want in your life.

“So next time your friends tell you that you can do better, ask what they mean exactly and evaluate for yourself if their concern is an area of high expectation (how you are being treated) or low expectation (differences that can create conflict) before deciding whether or not to end the relationship,”  says, LMFT, Certified Gottman Therapist.

Your friends want you to be genuinely happy and so must you and your partner. Relationships are here to help us thrive, not wilt.

You made it to the end! Wooot!

Now come join me in the Ash Files, where we are talking, sharing and story-telling about this and other Ashlee Unscripted posts! Subscribe here.

Read Next

“Why Did I Like You?” How to Change Your Dating Type

Maybe you’re at a café, or talking a walk in the park, enjoying the sun or maybe you’re aimlessly scrolling through your favorite social media accounts, and then wham! It happens; your ex appears out of nowhere.

Like a fat, grey cloud about to unleash rain on your sunshiny day, he/ she pops up in your field of vision ominous and carefree. And whether you have an interaction or not, as you take in his/ her features, you honestly begin to wonder, ‘Why did I like you?’

This is a question that on its own may seem petty or even angry, but it’s a very good question. What was it about your exes that appealed to you?

Now we all know that we have a checklist of qualities and attributes that we are looking for in our dating partners, yet most still site incompatible personalities and morals as the major reasons the relationships dissolve.

What is even more interesting is the realization that most of us have a ‘ dating type’ and according to a study conducted at the University of Toronto, people  despite their best  intentions  to date outside of that type, some can’t help but to gravitate to similar partners.  

Lead author Yoobin Park, a PhD student in the Department of Psychology in the Faculty of Arts & Science at U of T says, “It’s common that when a relationship ends, people attribute the breakup to their ex-partner’s personality and decide they need to date a different type of person.  “Our research suggests there’s a strong tendency to nevertheless continue to date a similar personality”.

Co-author Geoff MacDonald, a professor in the Department of Psychology at U of T, concurs, noting “The degree of consistency from one relationship to the next suggests that people may indeed have a ‘ dating type’. And though our data do not make clear why people’s partners exhibit similar personalities, it is noteworthy that we found partner similarity above and beyond similarity to oneself.”

So then why do you have this dating type?

 James Green, a certified love coach and author tells Bustle that life is all about patterns, including what we eat, the way we dress and even the side of the bed we sleep on and dating is no exception.

“When you begin your ‘dating career’ it’s a lot like a record that has yet to be recorded. Still smooth. As you begin to have romantic relationships, ridges begin to form. Depending on the length of time you spend in these relationships and the impact (positive or negative) they have on you, that will determine how deep these ridges become,” says Green.

It may seem quite crazy to think that after a series of bad relationships that you wouldn’t start trying to stay away from those who are ‘wrong for you’ and in truth, consciously that is exactly what you begin to do, the problem however is that “subconsciously, an imprint has been left by them that we may not be fully aware of,” Green says.  And that is one of the reasons you will find yourself subconsciously being attracted to people who are similar.

So how do we stop this pattern of unhappiness?

There are a few psychology based theories that may help you to move from your past dating type and move to a new, more compatible one.

Unsurprisingly, it all starts with inner work, self awareness and empathetic healing.  Humans choose things that feel comfortable and normal, regardless of if it’s toxic or unfulfilling and this is especially the case when you are seeking healthy relationships, but unhealthy ones are all you know.

While it may seem easy in theory to accept the person who is willing to enter into a healthy relationship with you, the actual truth is that the reality of it is scary, and leads to fear and insecurities raising their heads which leads to self sabotage and reverting to situation that feel more familiar.

To avoid a return trip to the relationship bad lands, licensed professional clinical counselor who specializes in trauma-focused therapy, ” Maryann W. Mathai, suggests, “Ask yourself whether this feels familiar or uncomfortable,” she says. “Explore who else in your life makes you feel this way and whether you get your needs met in those relationships.” If not, it’s best to leave that situation alone”.

As you have guessed, the key to unlocking your new relationship ‘dating type’ is to move through your past to the real root of why you look for what you do in your romantic and even platonic relationships.

The past leaves imprints on our body and mind and in order to fully live freely and happily, it is important to learn how to process and learn from these experiences.

“Romantic relationships can serve as surrogate relationships for ones that didn’t turn out so well earlier in our lives,” Erika Martinez, Psy.D., clinical psychologist who specializes in helping people get unstuck in love, work, and life, tells Bustle.

Usually something about the type of people you date reminds you in some way of someone you’ve had a difficult relationship with in your past, including parents, siblings, deep yet turbulent friendships to name a few and since the brain is always looking for ways to resolve drama, you could find yourself in these relationships, as a way for you to subconsciously resolve the past drama with that person in your new relationship.

“By being in a relationship with someone similar, you’re making an effort to psychologically heal the wounds of that past relationship,” Martinez says. “The issue is you’re likely to get hurt again, which only re-wounds you.”

Heather Z. Lyons, PhD, licensed psychologist who specializes in individual and couples therapy, adds, “We recreate the past in current relationships by ‘picking, provoking, or projecting.’ That is, we might pick someone similar to our ex or early caregiver, provoke them to act in ways similar, or project.”

This is where introspection comes in and saves the day, especially since you cannot change the past but you can heal it by taking the time to become aware of your patterns and making the conscious decision to resolve those wounds, thus allowing yourself to set new, healthier dating patterns, from a much healthier and safer mental state.

You made it to the end! Wooot!

Now come join me in the Ash Files, where we are talking, sharing and story-telling about this and other Ashlee Unscripted posts! Subscribe here.

Read Next

Revealed: Are You too Picky in Relationships? The Secret No One is Telling You About Dating Culture

If you’re single, looking for your soul mate and ready to just be in the right, caring and loving relationship already, but somehow keep attracting toads or worse, people who are just shy of what you’re looking for, I’ve got some truth for you.

The unvarnished truth is that you are just too picky in relationships!

Or at least, that’s what too many friends, relatives and articles will tell you when you finally give in and try to find the antidote to your chronic single-itis, but is that true?

Are you in fact being too picky about who you decide to give your heart to, are you being too quick to dismiss the person who is so close to your internal heart checklist, but just not fully up to scratch?

Should you simply settle for what is working right now and overlook some of the quirks that are slowly driving you insane, because of the ‘no one is perfect’ dating culture?

The real question you’re asking: Is it actually a bad thing to be too selective or ‘picky’ in relationships?

This was one of the questions, I grappled with when I re-entered the dating scene and met many people who were amazing, but did not fully meet my requirements.

On paper they glowed as they seemed thoughtful, employed, good-looking, capable of giving me at least one orgasm (or so they claimed), good sense of humour and witty.

All the good stuff, but then, as time went on, something about them, in crucial emotional moments would fall flatter than a pancake on a tiled floor.

When I told some of my friends about it, the consensus was divided, some saying I was insane, others thinking I should hold out for the person I could love unconditionally, yet the one thing they all agreed on was that I was very ‘picky’.

Now, call it choosy, selective or picky, what have you, it all boils down to the same in many minds.

You’re not satisfied with what is placed in front of you, and you’re difficult to please.

Those words, ‘picky, choosy, selective’ all carry with it negative connotations, designed to make you ashamed for wanting what you desire and to trick you into settling, ‘ like a good girl’ for what is on offer.

We ain’t playing by those rules anymore people!

My humble opinion is that if you are to live your life with your person, then there is no way you’ll meet that person and build a life together, unless you are in fact very selective and dare I say ‘picky’ about who you allow into your heart and into your life.

Despite the many online and magazine articles explaining why you being ‘picky in relationships’ is the reason you are still woefully single or simply have yet to meet ‘the One’, it is quickly becoming evident to those who are ready to build a life with their partner, that finding the person who compliments you and will mutually put in the effort to grow with you, is not a game of ‘pick a mate’, but comes with real thought and experimentation.

If you’re not looking at dating as a game of sex, fleeting commitment and stressful heartache, rather than taking the time to really look into the people that are coming into your life and taking up space, then nothing and no one will ever be right for you.

So are you?

Are you looking for a mate or are you looking for a fun friend?

Are you willing to settle for what is there or are you ready to be more selective about who you let into the prized treasure that is your heart?

Let’s first tackle the negativity around the idea of being too ‘picky’.

The idea that women are hampering their dating life by being too ‘picky’ has long been the hottest topic in the relationship industry.

Worse, it implies that women in fact do not know what they want from their partners and are simply being hella difficult, when they should just be happy that someone seems to care about them enough right now.

Let’s be honest and unfiltered here when it comes to pickiness.

We all know a picky eater and know the hassle and frustrations that go into pleasing them, from the anxiety of finding a restaurant to their standards, to simply deciding they are not easy going enough to invite out anymore… so naturally with that context, when it comes to relationships, being ‘too picky’ is a sign of a person who does not know what they want, is snobbish, won’t give chances and is easily soured.

I however, propose that picky people do in fact know exactly what they want and are not at all in the frame of mind to settle for anything less. To me, that is a trait to be commended.

Why should you settle for iceberg lettuce when you know you want the greenest kale?

Why should you settle for lackluster love when you know you require full commitment?

Why are you being pushed to settle for what you know is not right for you?

Makes no sense right?

The idea that you should settle for what is there ,when you know in your soul it’s not right is a terrifying prospect, especially when it comes to relationships, and the things that go into making them long lasting and nurturing, including the much needed ability to trust and think for yourself.

Dr Seth Meyer, posits that there is such a thing as ‘healthy picky’ explaining, “ You’re careful about who you get involved with, taking things slowly in the beginning, not moving into the bedroom too quickly, and remaining on guard for a couple months or so until you have a sense of who this new person really is,” ..

“In between relationships, you take some time off and reflect on why the last relationship didn’t work, and after a while you resolve those issues and begin a fresh relationship with someone new,” Meyer writes.

There, that doesn’t sound at all awful, and significantly highlights the importance of self-awareness.

If you’ve spent any time in the dating game, then you know the real pain of having your heart broken, being taken advantage of and taken for granted, so why on Earth would you want to deep-dive in that trap again?

The secret no one is talking about when it comes to dating and relationships on a whole is that it all starts with you and your self-esteem.

Your dating culture is all about what you believe you desire, deserve and can actually attain. 

This means if you have negative beliefs about yourself, your dating types, dating or relationships, chances are that you will continue to be fearful of never finding real love, which will cause you to self sabotage, resulting in ill-fitting relationships that do not satiate your unique requirements for love

 “You are the captain of your dating ship. You are the one who makes all of your dating decisions. You are the one who responds to what a man does or doesn’t do. Your responses will determine what type of man you have relationships with. But how well you control your dating ship depends on the health of your dating blueprint in your subconscious mind,” so says Life Coach, Emma Staddon.

Staddon, who is also a psychology teacher for over 16 years, explains on her blog ‘The Happiness Mermaid’ that these negative beliefs surrounding your love life need to be resolved before you can actually find your true right partner.

“This is why to be a successful dater it is important to do the inner work and look at how you date and work out what beliefs you have in your dating blueprint that are driving your behaviour. If you identify any that are stopping you from getting a healthy and happy relationship with a good man, focus on finding a way to change them (there are various techniques), so that you date differently and find love with the right man,” she writes.

While it may seem easy to look at yourself in the mirror and say, ‘I’m totally fine and I know exactly what I’m looking for,’ then why are you still desperately trying to find romance in people that don’t feel right to you?

For many of us, our issues with believing we can have the kind of love we are seeking, dates back to experiences that have long lasting effects on us all now and it is not a as quick a fix as a plumber tightening a screw on our sink.

 Rather, these beliefs will take time to first face, acknowledge and then work towards resolving.

So does that mean that you abstain from dating in the meantime?

Only if you choose to, but it’s not necessary, so long as you understand what you’re actually looking for in yourself, the date and understand that you are not in fact on a rapidly depleting life timer.

For those of us who are going through the inner healing work- which may feel a lot like walking a path of over hot coals, you may notice that you’ve become much more selective in who you allow into your life, because you understand yourself better, have actual boundaries that you are no longer worrying about enforcing and know the kind of person who will compliment the life you’re building.

You know the importance of being discerning (read choosy AF) and that in the long run it’s what’s best for you life, heart, happiness and health. So be as picky in relationships as you want and be happy that you know your own mind and heart.

You made it to the end! Wooot!

Now come join me in the Ash Files, where we are talking, sharing and story-telling about this and other Ashlee Unscripted posts! Subscribe here.

Read Next

Good On Paper Dating Won’t Cut It Anymore! How to Update Your Relationship Checklist

Has this ever happened to you?

You meet a person and they are amazing as they check off just about 80% of the things on your Potential Partner Must Haves relationship checklist, but for some reason, you just can’t seem to fully fancy them?


You meet a person and they are not at all what you would have wanted on paper, but man, you simply cannot quit them?


It’s like the world has gone topsy-turvy, but what could this mean?

According to the dating experts it’s time to update your relationship checklist and throw out the old one.

Here’s why.

We all have a Must Have Checklist (don’t even try to lie and say you don’t) that  we expect potential suitors to tick off, as proof that we are compatible in our minds,  but what happens when the Must Have Relationship Checklist is actually not yours, rather it’s the one your parents, close friends and society have concocted for you?

Can you be happy with that? Would that list actually have on the things that best serve you and that satiate your unique needs?

 Dating is already an endurance game, but how are you to find your actual partner, if your benchmarks are not actually yours to begin with?

Let’s talk about what ‘looking good on paper’ actually means and why it’s totally screwing up your chances of living with Prince(cess) Charming.

Looking good on paper in dating and relationships, “typically refers to all the desired boxes being checked: good job, good education, good looks, the works,” says Dating expert and coach Meredith Golden of SpoonmeetSpoon .

And are usually benchmarks that prove this person is someone your parents and close friends will approve off, but are any of these, things you approve of?

Golden explains this is why it is important to identify what ‘good on paper’ qualities you’re actually being drawn to and figure out if these qualities actually create sparks or if they are actually rather boring. 

 You need to be honest for yourself.

“So far, the best dates have not been with the people who seemed “the best” on paper to me. The Harvard Business School alum was perfectly nice, but the best dates I’ve gone on have been with people there has just been undeniable, effortless chemistry with — regardless of what happened to be on their resume” says Annie Foskett, Contributor for Elite daily.

So now that you’re resolving to be more honest about what ‘on paper relationships’ traits you actually like and which are not at all compatible with who you are a person, the next thing to pay attention to, is who they really are and not who you assume they are.

There are many assumptions we make about people because of what we are looking to tick off on the list.

For instance, guy has hiking gear in his home, that must mean he is open minded and loves the environment.

 Reality: they were a gift from a friend and he has used them maybe once.

Person has a great job that must mean he/ she is good with finances and will provide.

Reality: They are stressed out, broke and haven’t the time to really connect with you.

As noted by Tracy Schorn of Chump Lady , you have to not just look at the traits you think they have or the image they are presenting, but actually see them and their actions, in order to ascertain if you two are actually compatible or now.

“Yes, this is just another way of saying, listen to their actions, and not the image they present. The flip side of this is — knows who YOU are and what kind of person you really jive with. Some self knowledge is required to choose well and EDIT well,” she notes.

So here are some questions to ask yourself:

 Do you trust them? 

 Do you feel as if you can talk to this person openly about your feelings, victories and insecurities without being judged or ignored? 

 Is this person supportive and do you actually want to tell them about your day?  

Do you want to hear about theirs?

Pay attention to this, as this is a definite flag in the relationship.

This leads to the next obvious item to tick off on your new relationship checklist: Do you have chemistry with the person?

Schorn, in her blog post, notes that there are many people we think we should be compatible with, but in reality, no matter what we do, it’s just not true because there is simply no chemistry.

“There are all sorts of people in this world we think we should be compatible with by virtue of shared history or interests, that we really don’t have jack shit in common with. I think this is a mistake we make especially when we’re younger,” She elaborates in her blog post.

Chemistry goes beyond just physical compatibility, and delves into whether you two ‘get’ each other. It’s an amazing feeling to be able to openly and honestly have great conversations with another person and actually wanting to spend time with each other.

True chemistry is not something that can be forced, so it is a good indicator, as Golden concurs.

“There’s so much more that goes into what makes a connection between two people and a lot of it is intangible,” explains Golden.

“This is why I encourage my clients to be open because you never know which package [they] will show up in. They could be ‘the one’ but just with a different list of ‘stats’ than what you had expected.”

The irony for many is the fact that sometimes the person you have the most chemistry with, is the person that you are not sure fits into the image of the one you wanted to show your friends and family and when that happens, the next new checklist item helps with that dilemma.

Does this person contribute to your happiness?

“Compatibility supersedes checking off the traditional boxes,” says Golden.”A date can meet all your standards on paper but be a jerk, or moody, or a million other undesirable traits.” 

And isn’t that the truth!

We’ve all been there, talking with a person who meets all the standard requirements but no part of you is eager to share anything with them.

They’re great and everyone likes them, infact it seems totally insane that you’re not head over heels, but if you’re being honest, they just don’t add to your happiness.

So ask yourself these questions from Golden and answer them super honestly, afterall it’s your whole heart at stake here!

“Are we comfortable together?” Is this person easy to be around? Loyal? Supportive? Sexually compatible with you?”

 “No matter how great someone looks on paper, if the other stuff isn’t there, there’s no chance of a healthy relationship flourishing,” says Golden.

And lastly, do you respect this person?

It is all well and good to have a relationship checklist for your partner, but the truth is the relationship will not work if you don’t think highly of them or if there are things about them that continually raise red flags to you without any kind of resolution in sight.

Trust, integrity and respect are all mutually important in the mix of having a reliable and wonderful partner.

So there you have it, the new relationship checklist that is about you, your needs and also asks the tough questions, which I hope challenge you into no longer using the old checklist to settle but to live freely and choose the person who is compatible with who you truly are.

You made it to the end! Wooot!

Now come join me in the Ash Files, where we are talking, sharing and story-telling about this and other Ashlee Unscripted posts! Subscribe here.

Read Next

9 Digital Date Night Ideas For Your Weekend

The call to stay home could not be louder these past few weeks, as the world works to stop the spread of the Covid-19 pandemic, but what does that mean for date night?

Most of us are on quarantine lock down and practicing social distancing like the bosses we are, so that means unless your boo lives with you, you’ve suddenly found yourself in a long distance relationship.

And having been in one myself for a while I can tell you it is not at all easy, however, there are still many ways to hang out, see each other and most importantly, have date nights!

This weekend, here are a few digital ideas that could be awesome for your boo, your social circle or if you prefer self dates!

Listen to a Book Together

Tired of Netflix and Chilling, then why not try listening to a book together, for a cozy night in? Grab the wine, the blanket, your mobile and your Kindle, because Amazon Audible has you covered! Pick a book and let it play out, while you share in this cozy, digital date night moment. (This can also work for children, teens and just about anyone.)  Here’s the link: https://stories.audible.com/discovery

Dance Party

I’ve noticed as I scroll through social media that there are a few DJ’s who are holding living room dance parties online. I’m all into it. Imagine prepping your own drinks, logging into the lounge and dancing as crazy as you want, while the DJ earns his rep by playing all the hot tracks in his\ her unique way? How is that for a high energy digital date idea? Be as goofy and fun as you want!

If you’re not into the DJ scene, then do what I’ve been and call up your friends over whatsapp/skype/Zoom and let your Spotify/ Youtube playlist blast! Share it with your friends and get to burning your calories. This also works for karaoke parties.

Tour 17 Museums in Europe Virtually

Always wanted to visit some of the most amazing and intricately curated museums in the world, but ohhh the ticket price and time fam! Well now you can. Visit the Lourve The Grevin Museum, The Qui Branly Museum all in Paris as well as the Le Rijksmeseum, the Van Gogh Museum in Asterdam and the Pergamon Museum in Berlin among many, many others. Check out this link here:

Catch a Broadway Show

For a limited time during this quarantine you can stream Broadway musicals and plays for free online. Catch the playing of “Cats”, “Gypsy”, “Sweeney Todd,” “Lady Day at Emerson’s Bar and Grill,” “A Night with Janis Joplin,” “Ann,” “Driving Ms. Daisy,” and more.

Stream BroadwayHD for your digital date night here: https://www.broadwayhd.com/

Visit Disney Land Virtually

Want to spend some time enjoying the lovable theme parks of Disneyland? You still can. You can virtually enjoy Magic KingdomHollywood Studios, and even Disney World’s global Epcot “countries.”  “YouTube is filled with rollercoaster ride recordings that let users envision themselves on attractions at Disney resorts, from the Incredicoaster at Disney’s California Adventure park to the “Frozen” Ever After ride at Walt Disney World” sites an article in the Insider .

Visit The Zoos and Aquariums

The Monterey, California, aquarium is giving visitors a virtual look at its colorful sea creatures via free live camera streaming. Animal lovers can zen out to jellyfish or watch penguins waddling in their habitat. The California zoo has pre-recorded and live video streams showing koalas, apes, pandas, penguins, and other creatures that offer endless hours of entertainment and fascination. 

Let Google Be Your Driver

Thanks to Google’s Street View feature., you can get  panoramic shots of the stunning landscape of the Royal Botanic Gardens, as well as Disney World in Orlando, Florida, and Disneyland in Anaheim, California to name a few fun places.

Google’s online Arts & Culture activation includes a program called “The Hidden Worlds of the National Parks”  which features five national parks, including Hawai’i Volcanoes National ParkCarlsbad Caverns National Park in New Mexico, Bryce Canyon National Park in Utah, Kenai Fjords National Park in Alaska, and Dry Tortugas National Park in Florida.  If you’re a lover of the theatre you can also check out these performing arts centers around the world via Google Arts & Culture.

Take a Class or Course Together

There are tons of online courses and Youtube ‘How-To’ videos that you can view and create together. From cooking , cocktail lessons and art classes, there is no limit to what new project you and your peeps can do together!

 Digital Dinner

Technology thankfully has progressed to where you can infact have dinner together, even if you are miles away or under Covid-19 lockdown/quarantine as a digital date night! Be it via Facebook live calls, Zoom meeting calls or via any other conference/ personal calls software, you can set it all up. Facebook portals makes it even easier to eat, talk, laugh and exercise with your people. So don’t feel lonely, you are so very connected.

You made it to the end! Wooot!

Now come join me in the Ash Files, where we are talking, sharing and story-telling about this and other Ashlee Unscripted posts! Subscribe here.

Read Next