Embracing the Wild 2020’s

Happy New Year! Happy New Decade!

As I sit atop of a hill, with the chilly breeze flowing all around, me lightly kissing my warm skin, I can’t help but to let my mind wander.

Beneath me is a picturesque view of Barbados. A sea of nature, interspersed with the dots of homes, businesses and moving vehicles on grey roads. Below me the island paradise is alive with productivity.

Leaning back from the bright rays of the sun, because I forgot my hat (read: totally didn’t even think of bringing it), I listen to the calls of the black birds, and watch as the sparrows return to their nests in the palm tree behind me.

It’s all quiet, peaceful.

To my right, there are cows munching on grass in the field next to me, not a care in the world except what they are eating and for some reason that sight, coupled with everything else, makes me feel so very nostalgic.

It’s wild to me that this is not only a whole new year, but also the beginning of a whole new decade and I am actually excited for my future this time around.

As I sit here, a week into this new year with the grass beginning to itch my bare legs in these stretchy, denim shorts, I allow myself to reflect on how much I’ve grown in the last ten years.

2010 was a HUGE year for me and if I’m honest it was one of the most pivotal years of my life.

I graduated from University with honours, after getting an A on my Thesis, earning my BA in psychology. I resigned from my part time job as a shoe saleslady and took my first real step into following my passions, when I applied and got accepted to work as a journalist in the Hello Youth Magazine.

That alone was a culture shock for me, getting to write was one thing, but meeting new people daily, and being placed in situations which meant I had to bolster my confidence and meet challenges head on, was nothing short of necessary.

I bought my first car, and started to find my voice, not only in what I was writing for work, but also for what I am interested in and what life boundaries I needed to enforce.

 I met more amazing friends and started my journey into womanhood officially.

The decade that followed only saw me learning more about myself, making life changing decisions and growing more into accepting what I really wanted from this life of mine. It took me like shells trapped in an unrelenting wave towards the shores of inner healing and self- acceptance.

So as I sit here, in 2020, I can tell you that I am a lady emboldened.

Just last year, while I woke up cautiously hopeful for the New Year, I was still going through the rough transition of mindset shifting and it honestly took just as much of a toll on me as it did in releasing me from my inner demons.

 I was still struggling to find my footing and soothe away all of my aches, thinking I could resolve my problems and challenges if I just kept focusing on them, if I could just find a win and prove that all my sacrifices, painful lessons and hopeful dreams were not all for nothing.

Turns out, that’s not how that works.

 When you focus on problems, you don’t fix them, instead you allow them to multiply and stage a coup to take over your very soul.

This year, I’m the same me, just wiser, stronger, calmer and somehow even more optimistic.

And why is that you may ask?

It’s simply because as I reflect over my MANY struggles over the last decade and beyond, the results have been pretty consistent.

I’m still here and I stay.

No matter what, no matter how many times I felt roasted over fire, no matter how many times I wanted to tear my skin off as tribute to my perceived failures, no matter how many times I said ‘yes’ when in truth, my heart was screaming ‘no’ but I forced myself all the same, I’ve learnt from all of that and allowed myself to reveal my own heart to me.

2020 ( like the vision)  is the start of a new chapter in my life. The first year in a new decade almost always means spectacular awesomeness for me. My energy is high, my will is strong and most importantly, I’m aware that time is actually on my side.

No masterpiece can be created in a rush or on an arbitrary deadline and that’s what I was trying to do with myself.

Rush my healing, enter into a race of life, I had no business being in, digesting other people’s challenges because I felt maybe that was the right guideline for me.

Today, I am grateful and so appreciative that I have the time and that I’ve created the lifestyle where I can sit in a field, soaking up the sun and let my words flow out to you. I can let you into my thoughts and offer my own advice to you easily.

So this year, the beginning of the roaring 2020’s, I realize that come what may, I am 100% that bitch. I’m the one who understands that everything in me is intuition first and I am more aware of what is best serving me. I choose to concentrate on that.

I choose to allow myself the pain of growing, to allow myself the grins of joys and to simply know that I am enough, all I have is enough and it is all beautiful.


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But Did You Die Tho?

“But did you die tho?”

As I sit here in my room on a warm, yet breezy Caribbean day in December, reflecting not only over this year 2019, but the last decade in general, those are the words that my brain whispers in a surprisingly non-patronising voice.

“ No, brain, No. I didn’t die, in fact I thrived.”

And it’s true, the last decade saw me navigating my twenties, saw me moving out of my parent’s house and starting my career as a journalist, which let’s be honest, opened the creative door for all that has followed.

It saw me moving in with my boyfriend in our first starter home, him proposing and us moving to a better condominium. It also saw us getting married, our families getting closer and closer to each other along with us growing so far apart, we may have to re-introduce ourselves to each other.

It has been a decade of everything.

You think it, I’ve probably been through it in the last decade.

From being terrifyingly sick, to switching jobs before I decided to strike out as an entrepreneur getting back into my passions and making huge life-changing decisions,  including moving back in with my parents.

My life was built and blown right up in the last decade and as I write this post here on the last legs of 2019, I am so freaking proud of the woman I chose to become.

One of my biggest fears in life was letting my life crumble around me, especially after all the hard work, blood, sweat, copious tears and sacrifices I had made just to painstakingly build this beautiful creation brick by heavy as F brick.

And then boom!

It all came crashing down around me and all I could do was let it. Not that I didn’t try to catch the debris and rebuild, not that I didn’t try my level hardest to patch the leaks and stymie the holes when I found them… but it was all in vain- my life as I knew it spectacularly blew right up.

When it blew up, it left me facing the ugly truth I had been trying for the last two decades to fruitlessly beautify.

I had come to the inevitable cross roads and there were no more loopholes, no side roads, not even a dirt track I could divert myself onto. No.

I had to decide in that moment who I was going to be.

And here’s the thing, it didn’t all happen one afternoon, in fact if I’m honest, this process had been leading up for years, it just FELT like it was crashing down on me in that one afternoon.

And do you know why?

It was because that was the afternoon that I had run out of tricks. It was the afternoon where I was cornered and forced to choose my path.

Path A or Path B.

Path A would see me adding more explosives and blowing everything sky-high. It would entail me accepting that my marriage was over, that I was moving out and that I was a proud, broke and struggling entrepreneur who was determined to make those intuitive dreams a reality.

Path B was damage control. It would mean for me to humble myself, stifle my clamouring needs and accept that while I was depressingly unhappy , I could continue to pretend everything was ok and just stay where I was. It would mean settling, but it would offer a sense of stability and familiarity even if it was painful.

Truth is, both paths were painful.

After much deliberation, I choose Path A, simply because that path allowed me to heal. It allowed me to be accountable for my life, to realize that only I had the power to design my life and it showed up just how much I had given up on actually designing a life of joy. I chose a path of enlightenment and peace.

And it SUCKED so badly!

This path was filled with resolutions and I did not enjoy them at all. It felt like how I imagine a werewolf transformation would be like and very often I wanted out of this burning body and mind.

My transformation came with lots of tears, screaming, despondency and failures.  I second guessed myself, opened the floodgates of my doubts daily until I learnt that I could corral them and have a conversation with them.

It was a Path to learning and while not every lesson was painful, they were all necessary.

Even on the days that I thought it’d be easier to just die,  a steadily growing larger part of me would remind me that death was the end of this game. I would be choosing to NEVER change anything and so I stayed.

As I learnt to reconnect with myself, I grew more comfortable in my skin, and started facing my insecurities and harsh truths head on. I started to take responsibility for my actions and critically dissected my people-pleasing ways. I forgave myself and those who were culpable in the various stories along with me, because at that time, I recognise that we did not know any better.

I started to see the world and understand it’s machinations differently; this lead to being able to draw and attract more like minded people than ever before and my energy increased positively.

Suddenly, I had no time for negativity, no time for desperate actions and no time for self-castigation. I was having fun again, had even dared to introduce it to my work ethic, I started to actually put my health and well-being first and I began to truly actively listen to what the Universe was showing me daily.

I’m still a student of life and I’m open to learning more daily and trying new things because I can.

I’m no longer hung up on success or failure, because either way I’m winning.

And so as I sit here, the day after one of my BFF’s got married to a lovely lady, I reflect on this year and realize that I harvested many things.

I was invited to and gave my first coaching session to lovely young ladies looking for direction. I published at least 8 books that I’d written. I interacted with more entrepreneurs than ever before; I stood up for myself finally. I started working out not because I want to look a certain way, but because I wanted to be stronger and healthier and I reconnected to friends and family.

I became much more open about sharing my life, because I see those situations much differently now and I’m proud of my accomplishments. I’m proud that each day I wake up happy.

I’m proud that I know that every time I open my eyes there is an opportunity for my life to get so much better always.

I harvested gratitude this year, acceptance of myself and while this journey was tough, rough and insane, I also realise that I loved it all. I love who in all of those moments I chose to be, because that is fueling the me of today and tomorrow.

So as I say goodbye to 2019 and thank it for it’s lessons and as I say farewell to the last decade and be in awe of the girl who undertook those chapters, I look forward to the beginning of a whole new decade filled with the lessons learnt, real self love and the opening act of a new decade script.

Season’s Greetings and Happy New Year loves!


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