How I’ve Learnt To Reconnect to Source

Two months ago, I made an active decision to become more spiritually woke. I wanted to move my emotional state from feeling super stressed out about money, Covid- freaking-19, bills, followers, you know , the usually plagues of a solo entrepreneur, who is also dealing with personal stressors.

Without truly acknowledging it, the backlash following the abrupt death of my Dad, shook me and catapulted me right back to unhealthy ways, unhealthy thoughts and I allowed myself to feed my fear so much, it almost exploded from my body.

Then after a few conversations with my friends, and a lot of guided meditations, because let’s be honest, I was OVER feeling the tension in my body, the desperation running amok in my thoughts which only gave me headaches, caused me to grit my jaw so hard, I felt my teeth grinding, and muscle aches in my shoulders because of how freaking tense I was keeping them.

It was also my birthday month (April) and really is there a better time to actively choose to take spectacular care of yourself in not on/ around your birthday?

So that’s what I did.

I’m a huge believer and advocate from mindset work and healing, because as we already know, it all starts with your thoughts and from that it leads to actions that build your lifestyle.

So I had a choice to make.

Give into the pressures of stress, desperation and insidious fear, where I started to lose confidence in just about everything that made me the unique and loving person that I am.

Or

Reconnect to myself. Become an active participant in my life again and CHOOSE what I focus on, how I allow myself to feel, what I am available for and concentrate on the surplus of good that was in my life, if I would only acknowledge them.

So I started on the latter.

Was it easy?

Absolutely not. I learnt how deep rooted my fear based state ran and I started to notice just how often I was actively looking for things to make me feel awful, to feel sad, as excuses to justify giving up on actions, my desires, the works.

Reasons to stay in a state of not quite happiness but not quite bouncing off the walls either.

Then I remembered this book: The Level Up Journal Prompter.

It’s the book I created to help me out of this kind of funk.

Within it I go through 9 Chapters which challenge you to move from stuck and playing small to being your Next Level Self.

The self that allows you to take the next step in your life confidently, that allows you to get clear on your goals, get clear on shifting your limiting beliefs and the lifestyle you are calling towards yourself.

From learning how to reconnect with myself and challenging myself to answer the journal prompts openly and honestly- no running from myself- to actually doing the homework and slowly becoming more and more aware of my progress, of my many victories, of how strong I am and will continue to be, I felt super inspired and motivated.

This book, which is loaded with insights I am straight up impressed came out of me, was  perfect to move me again, to gain clarity in my mind and remind myself of how powerful I actually am, of how healthy I want to be both mentally and physically.

I reminded myself that I was allowed to feel my feelings, and to respond to them, it reminded me I was allowed to choose my state of existence and to be unconditionally supported and loved.

It reminded me that I was enough right now and that me growing, stretching and nurturing my love of who I am, were all natural and encouraged.

So this month, I’m re-launching it, because I know these last few weeks in lock down have straight up sucked for some of you. Not necessarily because you couldn’t go outside, but because it caused you to feel unsettled, to face your own thoughts and doubt monster alone and un-equipped.

It forced you into a feeling of melancholy, of panick and of living in the energy of already having failed. Caused to you remember all the stories around why you won’t have a wonderful life or success…It fed your fear based state too.

No more.

You are ready to go a guided journey towards your own power.

Towards realizing what it is, towards getting control over your thoughts, emotions and crystal clear goals.

You’re ready to level the F up!



How I’m Learning to Love Unconditionally

It never occurred to me that I could be loved unconditionally. The concept itself made very little sense to me, as I simply could not fathom, how it was possible to love someone for doing nothing more than existing.

I subscribed for years, to what I now call ‘conditional affection’,  where the relationship grew based on whether the person was willing to appease you and what they brought into your world to make your own well-being much easier.

You see it often in movies and in love letters, where the person professes his/her love and it’s a laundry list of the ways the other makes their life easier, but rarely states the qualities and traits of the first person; like are they kind, intelligent?

It’s always a very egotisical spiel that made me realize that the relationship would be based on whether the person could keep up or improve upon that laundry list.

The thing is, attraction starts with realizing how someone makes you feel, it gets fuelled by the things you have in common and then by you seeing and approving of behaviours.

The problem comes, because that’s where most of us choose to stop our hearts.

We stop at the things the person does for us, or the things you do for them.

There is another step, where you start to love the person simply because you realize and acknowledge them on an encompassing human level. 


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Good On Paper Dating Won’t Cut It Anymore! How to Update Your Relationship Checklist

Has this ever happened to you?

You meet a person and they are amazing as they check off just about 80% of the things on your Potential Partner Must Haves relationship checklist, but for some reason, you just can’t seem to fully fancy them?

Or

You meet a person and they are not at all what you would have wanted on paper, but man, you simply cannot quit them?

Yeah.

It’s like the world has gone topsy-turvy, but what could this mean?

According to the dating experts it’s time to update your relationship checklist and throw out the old one.

Here’s why.

We all have a Must Have Checklist (don’t even try to lie and say you don’t) that  we expect potential suitors to tick off, as proof that we are compatible in our minds,  but what happens when the Must Have Relationship Checklist is actually not yours, rather it’s the one your parents, close friends and society have concocted for you?

Can you be happy with that? Would that list actually have on the things that best serve you and that satiate your unique needs?

 Dating is already an endurance game, but how are you to find your actual partner, if your benchmarks are not actually yours to begin with?

Let’s talk about what ‘looking good on paper’ actually means and why it’s totally screwing up your chances of living with Prince(cess) Charming.

Looking good on paper in dating and relationships, “typically refers to all the desired boxes being checked: good job, good education, good looks, the works,” says Dating expert and coach Meredith Golden of SpoonmeetSpoon .

And are usually benchmarks that prove this person is someone your parents and close friends will approve off, but are any of these, things you approve of?

Golden explains this is why it is important to identify what ‘good on paper’ qualities you’re actually being drawn to and figure out if these qualities actually create sparks or if they are actually rather boring. 

 You need to be honest for yourself.

“So far, the best dates have not been with the people who seemed “the best” on paper to me. The Harvard Business School alum was perfectly nice, but the best dates I’ve gone on have been with people there has just been undeniable, effortless chemistry with — regardless of what happened to be on their resume” says Annie Foskett, Contributor for Elite daily.

So now that you’re resolving to be more honest about what ‘on paper relationships’ traits you actually like and which are not at all compatible with who you are a person, the next thing to pay attention to, is who they really are and not who you assume they are.

There are many assumptions we make about people because of what we are looking to tick off on the list.

For instance, guy has hiking gear in his home, that must mean he is open minded and loves the environment.

 Reality: they were a gift from a friend and he has used them maybe once.

Person has a great job that must mean he/ she is good with finances and will provide.

Reality: They are stressed out, broke and haven’t the time to really connect with you.

As noted by Tracy Schorn of Chump Lady , you have to not just look at the traits you think they have or the image they are presenting, but actually see them and their actions, in order to ascertain if you two are actually compatible or now.

“Yes, this is just another way of saying, listen to their actions, and not the image they present. The flip side of this is — knows who YOU are and what kind of person you really jive with. Some self knowledge is required to choose well and EDIT well,” she notes.

So here are some questions to ask yourself:

 Do you trust them? 

 Do you feel as if you can talk to this person openly about your feelings, victories and insecurities without being judged or ignored? 

 Is this person supportive and do you actually want to tell them about your day?  

Do you want to hear about theirs?

Pay attention to this, as this is a definite flag in the relationship.

This leads to the next obvious item to tick off on your new relationship checklist: Do you have chemistry with the person?

Schorn, in her blog post, notes that there are many people we think we should be compatible with, but in reality, no matter what we do, it’s just not true because there is simply no chemistry.

“There are all sorts of people in this world we think we should be compatible with by virtue of shared history or interests, that we really don’t have jack shit in common with. I think this is a mistake we make especially when we’re younger,” She elaborates in her blog post.

Chemistry goes beyond just physical compatibility, and delves into whether you two ‘get’ each other. It’s an amazing feeling to be able to openly and honestly have great conversations with another person and actually wanting to spend time with each other.

True chemistry is not something that can be forced, so it is a good indicator, as Golden concurs.

“There’s so much more that goes into what makes a connection between two people and a lot of it is intangible,” explains Golden.

“This is why I encourage my clients to be open because you never know which package [they] will show up in. They could be ‘the one’ but just with a different list of ‘stats’ than what you had expected.”

The irony for many is the fact that sometimes the person you have the most chemistry with, is the person that you are not sure fits into the image of the one you wanted to show your friends and family and when that happens, the next new checklist item helps with that dilemma.

Does this person contribute to your happiness?

“Compatibility supersedes checking off the traditional boxes,” says Golden.”A date can meet all your standards on paper but be a jerk, or moody, or a million other undesirable traits.” 

And isn’t that the truth!

We’ve all been there, talking with a person who meets all the standard requirements but no part of you is eager to share anything with them.

They’re great and everyone likes them, infact it seems totally insane that you’re not head over heels, but if you’re being honest, they just don’t add to your happiness.

So ask yourself these questions from Golden and answer them super honestly, afterall it’s your whole heart at stake here!

“Are we comfortable together?” Is this person easy to be around? Loyal? Supportive? Sexually compatible with you?”

 “No matter how great someone looks on paper, if the other stuff isn’t there, there’s no chance of a healthy relationship flourishing,” says Golden.

And lastly, do you respect this person?

It is all well and good to have a relationship checklist for your partner, but the truth is the relationship will not work if you don’t think highly of them or if there are things about them that continually raise red flags to you without any kind of resolution in sight.

Trust, integrity and respect are all mutually important in the mix of having a reliable and wonderful partner.

So there you have it, the new relationship checklist that is about you, your needs and also asks the tough questions, which I hope challenge you into no longer using the old checklist to settle but to live freely and choose the person who is compatible with who you truly are.


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How Love and Lust Affects Us All

When it comes to love, relationships and lust, the sky is the limit for how awesome or awful the experiences can be.

There is no ‘one size fits all’ when it comes to dating, to finding your soulmate or when you’ve just had enough and want to be single forever. It seems as if you’re either dating the wrong person, or you are dating the right person at the wrong time, or you’ve finally hit pay dirt and your relationship is happy and strong…but whoops, don’t start getting comfy yet!

In short, something is always fucking up.

So let’s talk about it.

I wrote 7 articles touching various aspects of love and lust, including why you need to look deeper than what’s on paper for your lover, how your friends could be setting the standard for your partner and the ever popular post on why we are so into the praise kinks, because it was time for us to talk openly and honestly about what we really are expecting from relationships and ourselves.

I love exploring the ever intriguing sides, aspects and constructs surrounding our journey towards love, finding your soul mates and actually living with our partners. It’s always so different for everyone and yet, so very similar and relatable.

This is why I’m inviting you to join in the discussion on the topics of love, lust, relationships, break ups and even BDSM when you subscribe to the Ash Files on Patreon.

It is my dream to create a community of open, free thinkers who are willing and brave enough to talk honestly about the things we are all going through when it comes to this aspect of life and to inspire others to learn from our mistakes and successes.

I love sharing and being well informed about things as well and that is what the Ash Files is all about.

It is my hope that when you join me in the Ash Files that we can share our dreams, expertise and stories in a safe, open and honestly judgment free zone, where we can get to know each other loads more and better.

There will also be giveaways, excerpts from the books I’ll be working on writing and a host of other things to enjoy when you sign up.

There is no designated price to enter the Ash Files, it is a give what you can kind of membership, with the tiers starting at $3 and going to $100 if you feel so inclined monthly. This membership as you can guess why it is on Patreon, also works to help this blog and this writer to stay growing.

Thanks so much for joining me and you can subscribe here.


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